makes you just want to say mmmmmmhh!

So today I sold out... yeah I really finally did it... I got an ipod... its really pretty I’m kind of in love with the exterior right now... but I just added like all my music off my laptop onto it and it makes me just sooo very very happy ha ha ha... I’m a loser yeah I know but what can I do... how’s the battery life on these things because I’m planning on taking it snowboarding I’m really looking forward to the beautiful slopes accented ever sweetly by the beautiful music flowing from my ipod ha ha ha... I know I said that I could live with out an ipod and i could have... the question wasn’t so much could I have lived with out it (because I could have) as do I really want to live with out it... to which the answer was no. I really don’t want to live with out it ha ha ha... on other notes... I was driving today and I was thinking about words that are so good at explaining the feeling or action that you are trying to describe, words that feel the way they mean... and I was thinking about the word delicious... isn’t it just that? It is delicious to say the word delicious... it rolls over your tongue like caramel, and it sweetly exudes s sounds with the deep pressing of the tongue to the roof of your mouth at the beginning almost triggering your tongue to start salivating... its such an elegant word isn’t it? I don’t know maybe i'm going overboard but I think its is a divine word. And I love saying it now... its like the word sublime it just feels nice to say it, or tintinnabulation you can hear the cacophony of sounds spilling out in your imagination as just the mention of the word... every day I find more and more to be amazed by life is beautiful and when I say different remind of good words, trees, birds, flowers, smells, and everything else that makes life so rich.

look for me with the sunbright sparow, i will come on the breath of the wind

they said son go join up... go join the youth and beauty brigade.
come join the youth and beauty brigade, nothing will stand in our way.

oh man somedays you just need the decemberists! i love them SO much... seriously... soo tonight was really fun hung out with the starbucks crew, which was brilliant i love them all ha ha ha... wished andrew farewell, will stop by tomorow at any cost to get my last americano from him... it should be just as good as the others ha ha ha... i stayed out just way too late considering the fact that as soon as i got in the car to leave i realized that i hadnt packed for my snowboarding trip tomorow which sucks soo much, so i just whirl wind packed and i will leave work a little early to come home and double check it then go to the church and head on out to jasper... im soo stoked for snowboarding i love it soo much i will bring home pictures and post them dont worry! anywho its like 2 and i really do need to sleep!!! have a good weekend maybe i will post @ work but i dont know why or what about... love you all, Vann!!

and the sky streches deep will we rest our heads to slumber?

allas i find myself always waiting for something more... what is it that i am looking for? what is it that i need? i dont know why i let it bother me... i need to know what it is i want to prove to the world, what it is i need to prove to myself. why when i have os much do i feel like i need soo much more... i need contentment. i need peace in my places. i need to seek what out what God has for me. i need to find out what he is asking me to do. he blesses me daily with so much and i need to know what it is i am suposed to give back to him. i dont know this is all just me thinking outloud... im sorry. have a good night. love vanessa...

new poem...

10 Tiny Masks


My nails cry out, from under their polish,
They suffocate, they say,
Awful things to me.
All ten of them, scream out in hysteria,

You see they are Closterphobic.

Rejection of their heavy glossy paint,
They hate their new face,
This new merlot, deep almost black,
My nails whisper, “It is a lie.”
They weep and wallow,
Wishing they were wiped clean,
They wonder why they must also wear a mask,

They ask me why,
Begging over and over for an answer,

But I cannot give them one,
I cannot tell them the truth.
I mustn’t tell them, that they are,
“Inadequate?” they question,
Because they are a part of me,
They hear my thoughts

They laugh at me,
Calling out,

“You silly girl,
Always painting your face,
Playing pretty like a child,
Run, then rage, then reconcile… Oh you little girl,
You silly infant cannot even tell yourself the truth!
Cannot even tell yourself the truth!”

“YOU are INADEQUATE!”

Their words jeering in my ears,
I feel their cackling taunts and I rip at their veneers,
So as to shut them up their evil voices,
These ten little demons,
I will drown their voices,
And they will lose their new faces.

by vanessa toews

sorry it got long the best part is the story about the drunk kid at the bust depot belive me!!

alright sooo last night was probably the most fun i have had in a long time its not like i havent done things that were more fun lately but just the combination of people and places and oddities made it really great.

it started out with nadia comming to my work and then us going to starbucks and then picking up chantel, then we went to whyte to grab some eats before the concert we were going to... so we went to subway becuase it was the quickest and the healthiest i guess, and then we went for a short jaunt to american apparel where i ended up getting a hoodie and a polo shirt. anywho we headed over to the show which was a little benifit concert for our friend lizanne who is going on a ywam trip into the mountains... and then off to some random country to help out poor people which will be great. the show was really small which was sad cuase i wish that they could have raised more money but thats okay becuase it made up for it in randomness and fun, joe and teddy(wellput) rapped and then they did a little freestyle sesh with iD and nathan who played the drums it was fun.
after that kara, chantel nadia lizanne and myself piled into my car and got some icecream which was soo yummy,

next we headed uptown to meet jezikah the four rooms for some jazz which was also very great, except the part when the like 50 year old hit on us which was just funny... anyways we had some martinis and some tappas which were really delish, i had some potato latkies (is that how you spell it?) with salmon, dill, and keppers... i have to say i havent had any latkies that good since mrs. mansels house. which is saying something becuase she's one of the best cooks EVER!!

anywho we talked and drank our delisious liechee martinis and listend to jazz and then we drove home keira and lisanne, and chantel and nadia and i headed back home to sherwood park, nadia had taken the buss in earlier so we drove to the bus depot and there was a drunk kid stumbleing around who tried to get into my car via the back doors which was funny becuase its two door. we felt bad and so we drove him to his "freinds house" which ended up being some total randoms house that he just walked into it was pretty funny acutally then we was like okay thats not it and he was like maybe take me to my house... he fell a few times already so his hands were pretty scraped up and stuff we all just felt bad for him... but at the same time i was like a little worried becuase i was like okay this seemes alot like the way that a horror movie or a porn movie might start off... what have we gotten ourselfs into ha ha ha eventually after hearing how he got punched by a bouncer and something about his house falling out of his pocket, and other messed up stuff ha ha ha we finally found his house and he got out and was like back up back up i think some of my house fell on the ground!! so i did and i watched him search around on ground for a while before he pulled out his keys and went into the house which amazingly turned out to be his real house ha ha ha... we drove back to the buss depot and nadia went home, then i dropped off chantel and came home to go to sleep because by then it was a little after 3, and it was spring forward weekend which ment it was acutally a little after 4... and i had to go to church in the morning. so yeah it was a really really fun night... and this was super long... sorry i always write things that are too long...