today my brother got married...

my brother just got married tonight... and i am listeing to differnt names for the same thing... best song ever... death cab gets me everytime... never gets old you know?... hmmm well im so tired... sooooo tired.... i know that my friend wont read this but my friend is going out with this girl who just doesnt work for him you know? like he's soooo cool way cooler than i thought he was and shes lame... that always pisses me off when you see that... i guess its as much her as it is his bad judgement... i dont know maybe there is somehting i dont see but i doubt its anything monumental cause i think shes a real peice of work... you know? shure shes hot i guess but like seriously not right you know?

i wish people valued being themselfs...

okay today as i thought about the recent addition to the family (baby kale for those just tunning in) and everything else that is going on around me all at once... i got this overwhelming sence of alone... i dont know why... it was really wierd... like i just felt like there was nothing or no one who made me worth the time i was given... i dont know why i felt like that... i dont know why at all... i was just like whats the point of doing anything i do if it doesnt matter to anyone? maybe it was just becuase i was listening to stars... and no matter how upbeat the song is i always get sad when i listen to them... but as i drove along the packed whitemud highway seeing thousands of people who are living life here and now at the same time i am i wondered if they felt the same? i just felt so empty thinking that we are all walking through life doing things becuase we think people will accept them...
for example... i read my books, i just finished emily dickonsons compleat poetic works... and some of my friends will accept that some will make fun of me... but i still did it... does that mean that i read it to apease those friends i though would like me for being the kinda girl who is well read and dark? or did i do it because i wanted to? or did i do it just simply thinking i wanted to do it but i was really commpelled by a subliminal desire to be accepted and loved? and inturn that drove me to want to read it and think i was really into it? it got me to thinking and then i was frustrated and worried like what have i done am i really who i want to be or am i who i feel most people will accept and love? am i wrong to want to be acceped and loved? this was the part when i got frustrated and my eyes started to hurt and get red and blured... i retreaved my sunglasses from my cup holder... and put them on so neigbouring trafic jams wouldnt have to endure my public desiplay of emotions... and then i felt stupid again becuase i was like... why shouldnt they accept the fact that im emotional sometimes... is it so wrong for a girl to simply cry while driving? yes... it is... we are not to show true emotions for if i we show those we are weak... we are frigile and they can break us... that is not what we want... we want to be strong untouchable closed to everything that can hurt us... we become cold detached rocks ... no longer breathing feeling people... distant cold shadows of people sitting on the bus pluged into our ipods shoved into papers averting our eyes from each other incase we are obligated to say a simple hello... human contact is our biggest desire yet we shut out every chance we get... we are like ants in a hill bumping around searching for our reasons to be here with a queen telling us who to be what to think what to do for her... we have no minds anymore do we? and if we do why can we figure out whats good for us and do it? you know? why cant we love people for who they are and not change them and let them love us for who we are... why cant we turn of the t.v. the images the music the propaganda that tells us we have to look like this or that or the other girl to be loved and accpeted why cant we just strive for and seek out the things that we honistly do love and not care what people may think or be scard that people will laugh at our dreams? why cant we be strong? i dont know but i do know that this wont change anything i will continute to be who i am... i will continue to look at people and wonder if they think im as nice as the other girl... if my outfit is as creative at that scene girl at the show yesterday... if the c.d.'s in my car will impress people when they get in... if my car will impress people when they get in... if they saw my truth would they laugh at me? if they knew me for real would it be enough? i will continue this bitter cycle i know i will... becuase i tell myself all the time today i will change and by lunch im standing there wondering if i had a salad and a diet coke if that would be the right choice or if it doesnt matter in the end... if i was as skinny as that girl would he like me? do you think people will notice that i didnt do my hair? i wonder if my statigicly planned pea-coat, chunky scarf, band t-shirt, grandpa shorts with a vintage belt and wool nylon stocking things with wellington bootd was cool or if people thought it was too over the top... its the same old shit you know? and i wish it would change but i know it wont...

okay i have to say... i usually think new born babys are pretty funny looking... i know im a jerk... but seriously maybe im bias becuase he's family or becuase he's my first nephew... but kale is officially the best looking newborn ever... seriously guys... hes so cute... the cutest baby there is dare i say... but yah... im so stoked to be an aunt...