miles away from the love you made even heaven gets rough, ghosts werent ment for bleading

I've spent so much time these days building my life so that i can not be broken. doing this i still let people into my life... but it was more that i didn't let people affect my life.

This all came to me as I lit a smoke (yeah im sorry guys i lit up a smoke) put on some amy millan and drove home after dropping chantel off. Tonight was spent hanging out with Chantel and my good ol' firend Jon O, and it reminded me how much time i have spent being with people I loved but i wouldn't let those people affect me or change me... i AM ME... i DON'T appologise for that... remeber I'm a strong independant woman and i know whats best for me... that might be true to some degree but tonight i let my freinds affect me and remind me of who i was. they dont even know, they didnt even try... i just couldnt be strong anymore and in silence i let it in.

We all met at camp working the summer, doing things together, having fun being silly, being close and saying hey I'll call you when i get back home... all of us thinking we'll probably never see each other again. Well the first week home we called and met for coffee and became fast freinds who did the stupidest things together, the loud distruptive care free people we all were at heart. I hit jeeps while trying to read bumper-stickers, projected sodas through my nose, laughed so hard i fell down (litterally) talked till 3 in the morning and drove home from st albert with chantel always screaming the something corporate lyrics at the tops of our lungs. Then life happend we saw each other less and less and eventually jon got a girlfriend who didnt fancy us other two missfits. i wonder why. Once a week turned into once a month and once a month turned into every six months or so sometimes longer... we all got older... i got independant, jadded, lost the romantical ways in which i saw the world and eventually cut of the air to my heart... letting it die. I never realized how much i did that. Even when i felt it... i judged it... i knew i had things figured out right? but that which i believed was still wrong. i had lost the hopes of perfect loves, i lost the butterflys, i lost the daydreams. Now my day dreams were sprinkled with marc jacob shoes and all the perfect art i was going to make with all the perfect time in the world. I was okay being cold, it was soothing somehow. It was nice to watch the broken heart i had scab over and scar and eventually calicify and turn to stone. today i realized i did that i watched it i welcomed it and now i woke up. i let my heart turn to stone i actually watched it die and didnt care.

Now stone is grinding to dust and dust will mix with water and make clay and then hopefully the clay will be plyable enough to make something new. I will be able to find joy in the way that people affect me and change me and move me to growth, i will be able to be me again. i dont want to be this hard heart anymore, i want to be soft and plyable and warm. i want to watch chick flicks and feel happy or sad, anything but sarcastic or skeptical. i just want to feel... i want to be real not this Ghost going around talking to people, feeling nothing as they try to embrace me, their arms slipping right through me leaving me uneffected... just a shadow, a holigram of my former self.

first taste of the dirty side of this buisness

hey, i know this is not really that important to you guys but our store was featured in the latest quarterly issue of Best Home. i thought it was pretty cool we have featured stuff through out the issue and a write up about our store, im really stoked about it and i know you guys dont really care... so sorry.

In other news i may have mentioned to some of you that the owner of McElheran's ( http://www.mcelheran.com/ ) came in because he was looking to buy a mirror for a client, while he was here he also told me that i had a job with him if Etagere didnt work out to which i was flattered but to which i siad i have a great boss and i love working here. anyways... i marked the mirror for him and he said he would be back in sometime.... well it had been about a week or so and melinda and i got the feeling something wasnt right... and it wasnt. Mark (the sales Rep for majestic mirrors and a friend of ours) called us to tell us that Jeff the owner of Mcelherans called to order the catalog and mirrors we sell in our store, mark told him hewouldt do that becuase we had an agreement with him about the mirrors. the agrement is that he only sells the high end mirrors to us becuase we have a good name with him and we have been a long standing client. Today we personally delivered our mirror catalogs to jeff just to check up and see if he still needed the mirror, and melinda told him that if he needed to order any mirrors we would be more than happy order them for him, he acted all like Oh yeahhhh, i was going to come in with the client sometime this week but things got really busy bla bla bla... we just smiled and said mark had been in today and he got a little bit ill looking and didnt say anything else... we just left him the catalogs and smiled.. hopefully he feels like a big dick becuase thats what he is. whats with people seriously?

summery of what i learned: Sure... i may be a small fish swimming in a sea of sharks... that just means i get to look forward to seeing the looks on their faces when this piranha eats them for lunch!!!

just for shits and giggles here is the 411 on the j-dubs theology ha ha ha