Good Girls Finish First

2008-02-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

im getting new glasses... 2 pairs... both marc jacobs... one for being artsy and the other for being ultra smart!!! these are them... since no one checks this it doesn't matter anyways... but yeah these are they!

Some New News!

2008-02-01T23:23:00.000-07:00

All Right!!!

So, its been quite a while since my last post i feel a little silly for letting it go so long im sure no one will even read this thing anymore, they just wont expect anything from it... we shall see.

Anyways, where do i even begin? Its been a little over half a year of fine arts since i talked last... and what has happened? lots of growing up, a secret lover, painting, parties, pubs, bands, friends... i guess thats really it... lots of things have happened to me really...
So now i am starting this up again as the secret lover was well... obviously a secret. How could i write about it and spoil the whole thing??? its done now though. You know... I might start with the future as i don't want to rehash the past just right now. I plan on going to Turkey in the summer, tickets and travel have been arranged i am going on a tour of the ancient cities of revelations as well as just chilling a few days in Istanbul to see the blue mosque and the Hagia Sophia, oh also im going to the ruins of troy which will be amazing beyond words! its going to be quite wonderful, you see im going with a group of old people and scholarly types and as i hear it there are only perhaps 3 others in my age range on the trip

Anyways i got the latest issue of W magazine and it featured Keira Knightly and James Mcavoy, both are in the new movie atonement, good movie, great book as usual... i really really like Ian McEwan hes a great writer if you haven't read any of his work i highly highly recomend it! SO to my point about that little spin off... i got the magazine and i was in the car waiting for my mum to finish her banking, and there are some sinfully good photos of james mcavoy, and i was daydreaming about my trip, and i got to thinking about how delicious it would be to end up on the trip with someone as dreamy and delectable as he is, to find ourselfs the only two close in age and, find ourselfs out of lack of anyone else to talk to friends. we should then talk of all the most wonderful things like art and architecture and books and music and find ourselves inexplicably and
un-ignorably compelled to fall in love over the course of our whorl wind tour of turkey. Just think of it... all the sensual settings, exotic architecture, spices and heat filling the air, the rich sounds of the bustling istanbul streets, the quite desert nights perfect for country side for walks and long engulfing conversations, or long passionate embrace... ouh la la i could become enraptured just thinking about it...i have a much better imagination than life let me tell you ha ha ha... cant you see it? Oh it would be so grand, perhaps he is a med student, a writer (a poet of course), a young architect, something marvelous of course... and me the youthful artist. i wish that i could just make up real life it would be so grand.

Oh by the way i added an art blog and i am going to try my very very hardest to keep it alive and updated... i just finished a wood sculpture/ installation project so i will put some photos of that up and keep you posted on all the progress.

kisses to all, i hope you enjoy this little tidbit of news i tryed to make it interesting with out giving too much... hopefully that worked.

-Miss V.

2007-07-27T01:12:00.000-06:00

oh wow i havent posted in SO long... oh well... im leting this thing die slowly which is sad... but not... we'll see

soooo awsome i love it!

2007-06-11T15:52:00.000-06:00

guess what i am going to change my room its official i decided today... sofar the idea is paint it hot pink or black with hotpink and black vintage style wallpaper sorta like the pattern on my lampshade... but the wall paper will be in like boxes on the wall behind my bed with moulding around it like in a parisian castle... ouh la la il est magnifique! it will be like... if andy warhol and marie antoinette got together for some tea and acid and then decorated my room... oouuhhh im sooo excited ha ha ha

a little of my instperations:

2007-05-31T00:42:00.001-06:00

these are the photos im including in my portfolio for fine arts... tell me if you like them... or dont... either way...

for oh my God it found out me... amazing love how can it be...

2007-05-27T23:39:00.000-06:00

i rember once someone inconsiderately saying... no one wants to hear the words Cancer... its a death sentince... he didnt know that my father had that word in his body at that very moment... almost 3 years since then and luckly there things were looking all clear... that is untill my dad announced today that he found a new lump... not to say it is cancer... just saying its a lump... but thats scarry as hell no matter what... espcially beucase its a lump found in the same region as the previous cancer... i dont want to beilve that its cancer no one does... i just want to try to get it out there and be a little less afraid becuase i was soo strong last time and i know that i cant be thats strong this time... if i have to go through the same thing that is... truth is... i havent been feeling 100% for a while now... i think that being the "strong one" for most of my life has left me weak and tired. i actually stared at my wrists last night for a long time... just looking at my veins watching my life go by... wondering what was next... im so weary of it all. i dont need your sympathy but if you could find it in you to pray please do... good night.

2007-05-19T02:21:00.000-06:00

So these are my new shoes... yeah i thought kara would like these if she reads this... i got some cute nike hightops, and STELLA MCCARTNY adidas shoes... oh my goodness... i know im being superficial and lame... BUT this is one time i am able to forgive mysefl! i kept it in an okay price range but still not a price range my mother would understand he he he... anyways i hope i enjoy wearing them as much as i enjoy just sitting here looking at them... i have both pairs on my lap as i type this... holding them like small small rubber and leather children... its like keira and her keds... except not... oh yeah there were some cute michal kors ones i totaly almost bought and and and some cute keds which i also wanted to buy but these two made the short list... aka the comming home with me list... i would have bought the michal kors ones but i wanted them in black... which they didnt have in my size :(
oh well... love you and my new shoes... dont worry i still love you more :) love vann

the sneaker cult kicks
the McCartneys

i will be home in a day... that is... im going to be in b.c. for a week :)

2007-05-16T13:13:00.000-06:00

um so... theres kinda weird... theres weird and then theres just way way tooo far!... i personally thing this is just too far... im just not even sure what to think ha ha ha... theres open and then theres just wrong. im going to warn you this is creepy... in my oppinion... if you are a person who breast fed untill you were 7 or a mother who breast fed their kids till they were old enough to know what they were drinking from... then grose but hey its your choice.

in lighter news i love dior airbrush foundation... its amazing and if your the kinda person who is willing to spend $50 on foundation that will last your like 3 weeks then its FULLY worth the buy! i 100% garuntee it will give you flawless moviestar skin in less then 5 minuts! but i will not give you your money back if you dont like it ha ha ha

untitled

2007-05-15T11:21:00.000-06:00

no one reads this anymore... so i think i am going to quit writing here... and save the time and effort...

kinda like when you were five

2007-05-06T23:34:00.000-06:00

today= good day!
what did i do that was good?
well nothing that special it was just a fun day...
i had wok box after church and raine borrowed my longboard to go boarding with some girl he knew... and then i picked colours for carlas house... and then we had a big bbq at their house which was SWEET! we ate meat like carnavors litteraly i had a steak and nothing else ha hah a which is kinda sick but whatever... then LAURETTE showed up which was totaly random! she's sorta this girl i met becuase phill the guy who made my board made her board as well and then we met at harvist moon in the summer and THEN we met at logans concert and joes concert... so we were always like hey we should totaly go boarding together and chill! and tonight it totaly finally happend we did some hills in a neigborhood and it was totaly sweet and awsome and after we all played vollyball-piggy in the middle in a giant circle then we went to carlas and ate cake and bad for you stuff ha ha ha... we chilled and talked to the new guy nate who lives like by chantel it turns out... and we were all like hey we were going to go run around in the flooded lake behind your house!!! you should join us and he was like yeah... but we didnt think he would becuase he left and went home and then we went out and he ran out on his porch and was like i will meet you at the cat walk and he came and walked int he mudd and we went out on a flooded veranda thing and talked and watched little like muskrats or something... they werent otters cuase it wasnt big enough and becuase they had longer tails... we were trying to lure them over but they kept swimming away right as they would get close... and then i feel on my ass and got soaking wet becuase it was a few inches flooded but the benches were dry where we were standing... anyways it was soooo like summer day even thought its not realy summer here in alberta yet... oh and laurette told me that she knows some one who thinks im hot... and the bonus is that it hink they are pretty hot too... so im confirming the details with her and well we'll see what happens next ha ha ha anyways it was fun... i like those kinda days... im content with the way it went! the end! OHHHH the best part was the mud squishing between your toes part... it was delicious seriously it was like heaven! i am such a textures person i draw from the simmple things!!!

LOOOK GODZILLA!!

2007-04-27T12:30:00.001-06:00

SO!!! i just accidentaly posted this on chantels blog becuase she signed in on my laptop and left herself signed in ha ha ha thats awsome hey??? anyways here it is on my blog... so yay

myspace graphic

oh yeah i just drew this... its the duck man from pretty in pink!!! can you tell im bored???

truth and beauty...

2007-04-23T00:43:00.000-06:00

i carry your heart
e.e. cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ahh the fun and learning never ends

2007-04-20T13:04:00.000-06:00

alright so! i have started my SUMMER LEARNING LIST! it involves 3 books so far (no logo, oryx and crake, and City of shadows), as well there might be a possible course on flash animation and some other digital media class...( im looking into my options there) oh and im going to start learning freanch! YEAH THATS Right! im going to get myself some of those funny c.d.'s at chapters or something and do my little work books and eventually i will have learned enough freanch... to at least make sense... ha ha ha ha! no to put you all in a fun frenchy mood here is a cute little music video by malajube!

i've got your voice on tape, i've got your words in me, i dont want anything else,

2007-04-19T02:03:00.000-06:00

Infrastructure

In this
White light,
My skin
Like velum
Glows transparent,
Like rice paper barely
Concealing
The blue highways
Vitality I suppose,
Little cars,
These vessels,
Moving:
Air,
Nutrition,
Vitamins,
Minerals,
Focus again,
Light diffusing,
Upon my writs,
And I look,
I see my life,
Sweeping past me,
Dancing,
Dali cannot
Melt
The clocks
In my world
Supposing
That my mind,
Can
Catch up
To this
Time,
Still
I perceive
That
I perceive
The whole world
Is different than me.

yeah? well eat my assorted condiment stand dust you bastard...

2007-04-09T14:27:00.000-06:00

alright sooo i just got home from my momentary and now quite pointless (other than an americano) trip to starbucks, where i encountered the plan foiling monster known as the middle aged buisness man. i steped into starbucks only to find that it was packed (go figure, its only easter monday ha ha ha) not a single table was open so i hoped for the best and teased bobby telling her she should shoo some of these lingering people who are done their coffee out of the store to make more room for us others wanting a table. she just chuckled and i knew of course because i worked there that it would never happen. i ordered my drink and stated talking to a gentle man who i knew as a customer before i quit he laughed and offered me his table when he was done his coffee which had aproximately two sipps left. so i thanked him emphaticly and as he stood up i went to get my drink, the 3 FAT, UGLY, BALDING, UNSTYLISH, JERK OFF, men right behind me in line rushed over and took my table which already had my book on it, not my lap top but my book... so i walked over and i was like excuse me i was just getting my brink i put my book there... and the ugliest of the 3 men handed me my book before i could finish my sentence and said oh here you go... so i looked at him and i was like you dont understand what im saying i suppose... i put my book there becuase i was sitting there... and he was like well obviously you werent becuase im sitting here and im not sitting on you am i? so i was like you know what your a real peice of work buddy thanks alot! i was RIGHT PISSED off by then so noteing that he sat directly behind the disgustingly littered codiment stand my quick thinking and often vendetive mind worked before the rest of my better judgment could kick in... before i could put my not yet cream and sugared americano down i had to wipe off the debris with a napkin didnt i? obviously i couldnt put down my coffee in such a mess of cinnamon, raw sugar, and coco dust could i?!? so with the most inocent flick of the wrist i could manage to fake i sweetly swept the dusty debries off the side of the stand and on to the back of his silly looking ill fitting suit jaket, no one noticed of course but a woman who saw the whole incident go down, she gave me a victory thumbs up and i felt a little better after i picked up my drink and mentioned he had something funny on the back of his jacket... i watched throught the windows as his friends examined his back and he gave me a look as i walked away that only could mean he knew i had something to do with it to which i silently replied with a little wink and a smile that told him he'd better belive i had something to do with it! serves him right hope the drycleaning costs as much as the jacket it was ugly anyways! now i know you could say that i was immature and rude just as he was... but normaly im not... so this was a sweet departure from my polite ways and for once it felt pretty damn good!

p.s. i know i know im a horrid ill behaved little diviant... i get the point... but it felt SO SO SO good... oh yeah and i saw a moose trapped in the middle of a park in the middle of town and there were a bunch of goofy police men running around trying to corall it with big animal control pole device thing... it was really quite funny. they were there when i was on my way to get coffee and they were still there when i was on my way home. hope they dont end up getting tired of it and shooting it like the coppers always end up doing it seems.

lame!

2007-04-09T09:58:00.000-06:00

bo yah evolution of the hot dog! im so bored i had too!

um i dont know if thats you, it didnt sound like you, but you know... its a funny world where machines could replace people...

2007-04-08T00:16:00.000-06:00

i was the subject for tabitha a few weeks back this is just one of the pictures that came as a result of that... but i dont have the other pictures... soon soon... she gives me a good self esteem, which is funny becuase no one would think that seeing an airbrushed version of themselfs would make them feel better... but self deception comes easily for me ha ha ha... anyways i have nothing to post really, its getting down to finalls and its getting stressfull... all is well though i will get through it and live ha ha ha love vann!

a kiss on the wrist to speak of desire.

2007-04-02T00:37:00.000-06:00

how can you explain the things your heart feels? how does one acurately portray the depths of feelings with words? is it possible? after the mind runs out of words to express in its head what we actually feel, then how do we explain those ackes and those palpatations, those desires and those dreams? how does one explain what those feelings mean? how do we even understand them ourselfs? a pain for desire, and a pain for hate, a pain for real love, and also a pain for fear, there are so many little surges of chemicals that equate to feelings, but how do we diferentiate them? even if i were to write like keets how could i even then explain myself? i want so much to say it all, but things keep me from telling the truth, i cannot write even what i can express to you for i am fearfull of your reactions. i do not want to hurt anyone in expressing my feelings even though i should i suppose be true to myself. i want to express my hate and my love but instead i will write this pointless expression of my sadness to not be able to do so with out running out of words, and with out causing pain to others. i am sorry to have wasted your time in writeing this so that you may read it.

2007-03-24T23:53:00.000-06:00

soo after a big night of photoshooting at my house with tab and chantel i had a big day of cleaning today! but it was a heck of alot more enjoyable than usual because i didnt feel like i was toxifying my own body for the sake of sparkeling skinks!!! WHY?!? becuase i switched to a environmentaly friendly and people freindly cleaner that is gentle enough to wash your own body in... not that i would... but it was really nice to know that i wasnt washing harmful chemicals down the drain into the water systems or exposing myself to all those harmfull chemicals... it has been on my mind to switch for quite a while and i finally did just recently when i found that Shopers drug mart just started to carry the brand that i was looking for, which i was acutally going to just buy from online... but dont have to now! I highly recomend the switch and the products work SO well! i give the stainless steel cleaning wipes an A++ they do a way better job than the toxic chemical packed ones that make me feel dizzy when i use them ha ha ha... and another bonus! they make laundy soaps and their cleaners smell really really great... like the cucumber and lavinder suface spays i used plus the tile spay which also smelled fresh with out that headache after ha ha ha... on and the packaging is nicely modern and stylish enough that you wont mind snoopy people opening your cupboards oh and its the same price as the regular stuff so why wouldnt you switch??? anyways here is a link to the site i recomend it for anyone who is concerned about the health of their friends family and the environment!

www.methodhome.com

i feel a bit like a sales person but i am a fan of clean with out wondering if i might get cancer because of it, and i love knowing that im not hurting the environment or animals in anyway by using them!

ohhh you get a gold star

2007-03-18T23:45:00.000-06:00

so i just got home from my board trip and i thought i might just say that im really really stoked that i had soo much fun!!! today was double black day for me and lindz and ally... we made a packt that we would push ourselfs and only take the hardest runs untill they eveunally turn into that little green run patch right before the chair...

right after lunch we climbed up to the top of the "nob" as it is called and we did a double black that required jumping off a ledge and going down a like 99 degree angle hill, so friggen steep... i stood at the top and looked down and it was like the first time you go off of a zip line or bungee jump and you get that like wierd sick feeling like i cant i cant i cant... so i told keith that he could have my records if i die,d and i noted that it would be pretty sad to die a virgin, and as i looked at all the rocks i had to carve through i counted it a large possibility... ha ha ha next thing i knew hucked myself off a cliff to my impending death... which actually turned out to be a run of pure powder... which im guessing really was better than sex could possibly be... and if it turns out to be better then the extacy and joy of wiast deep powder swooshing by you like butter frosting... then damn i am sooo going to be a nympho ha ha ha..

any who my body hurts now alot becuase of the massive amounds of boaring we did today and yesterday... but i hurt more form yesterday while i tough a girl to boad and was snow plowing donw the hill all day watching her... my calfs and my quads ache from that for sure!!!
but whatever thats okay... still... oh, man this morning was soo nice because we were like some of the first ones on the hill becuase of st pattys and the fact that i was sunday... so we would all ride the chair up by ourselfs... just hike our boards up and through the saftey bar and lay across the quad chairs and sleep on the way up... it was very nice indeed,

any who like i said i will post the pics when i can but all in all it was a GREAT trip and i have conqured the double black and the fear of cliffs... well minor cliffs ha ha ha im not like all old school warren miller movies jumping of a 40 foot cliff into powder oblivion ha ha ha... but im doing better and i plann on keeping up the pace when i snowboard from here on out...

and im soo freekin sick of teaching people... im done with it... every time i go lately i have to teach... so today was my break day... anywho it was sooooooo much fun and i cant wait to go again!!! i cant im serious... on and i got a hot new volcom touque and sweet RVCA hoodie while we did a little post boarding shopping... on and we ate caramel apples ha ha ha ah i havent had one of those sinse i tryed to eat one at the PNE with braces HA HA HA... it was super good i love them, and i love you!!! love vann!!!

makes you just want to say mmmmmmhh!

2007-03-16T14:06:00.000-06:00

So today I sold out... yeah I really finally did it... I got an ipod... its really pretty I’m kind of in love with the exterior right now... but I just added like all my music off my laptop onto it and it makes me just sooo very very happy ha ha ha... I’m a loser yeah I know but what can I do... how’s the battery life on these things because I’m planning on taking it snowboarding I’m really looking forward to the beautiful slopes accented ever sweetly by the beautiful music flowing from my ipod ha ha ha... I know I said that I could live with out an ipod and i could have... the question wasn’t so much could I have lived with out it (because I could have) as do I really want to live with out it... to which the answer was no. I really don’t want to live with out it ha ha ha... on other notes... I was driving today and I was thinking about words that are so good at explaining the feeling or action that you are trying to describe, words that feel the way they mean... and I was thinking about the word delicious... isn’t it just that? It is delicious to say the word delicious... it rolls over your tongue like caramel, and it sweetly exudes s sounds with the deep pressing of the tongue to the roof of your mouth at the beginning almost triggering your tongue to start salivating... its such an elegant word isn’t it? I don’t know maybe i'm going overboard but I think its is a divine word. And I love saying it now... its like the word sublime it just feels nice to say it, or tintinnabulation you can hear the cacophony of sounds spilling out in your imagination as just the mention of the word... every day I find more and more to be amazed by life is beautiful and when I say different remind of good words, trees, birds, flowers, smells, and everything else that makes life so rich.

look for me with the sunbright sparow, i will come on the breath of the wind

2007-03-16T02:04:00.000-06:00

they said son go join up... go join the youth and beauty brigade.
come join the youth and beauty brigade, nothing will stand in our way.

oh man somedays you just need the decemberists! i love them SO much... seriously... soo tonight was really fun hung out with the starbucks crew, which was brilliant i love them all ha ha ha... wished andrew farewell, will stop by tomorow at any cost to get my last americano from him... it should be just as good as the others ha ha ha... i stayed out just way too late considering the fact that as soon as i got in the car to leave i realized that i hadnt packed for my snowboarding trip tomorow which sucks soo much, so i just whirl wind packed and i will leave work a little early to come home and double check it then go to the church and head on out to jasper... im soo stoked for snowboarding i love it soo much i will bring home pictures and post them dont worry! anywho its like 2 and i really do need to sleep!!! have a good weekend maybe i will post @ work but i dont know why or what about... love you all, Vann!!

and the sky streches deep will we rest our heads to slumber?

2007-03-15T00:35:00.000-06:00

allas i find myself always waiting for something more... what is it that i am looking for? what is it that i need? i dont know why i let it bother me... i need to know what it is i want to prove to the world, what it is i need to prove to myself. why when i have os much do i feel like i need soo much more... i need contentment. i need peace in my places. i need to seek what out what God has for me. i need to find out what he is asking me to do. he blesses me daily with so much and i need to know what it is i am suposed to give back to him. i dont know this is all just me thinking outloud... im sorry. have a good night. love vanessa...

new poem...

2007-03-13T23:51:00.000-06:00

10 Tiny Masks

My nails cry out, from under their polish,
They suffocate, they say,
Awful things to me.
All ten of them, scream out in hysteria,

You see they are Closterphobic.

Rejection of their heavy glossy paint,
They hate their new face,
This new merlot, deep almost black,
My nails whisper, “It is a lie.”
They weep and wallow,
Wishing they were wiped clean,
They wonder why they must also wear a mask,

They ask me why,
Begging over and over for an answer,

But I cannot give them one,
I cannot tell them the truth.
I mustn’t tell them, that they are,
“Inadequate?” they question,
Because they are a part of me,
They hear my thoughts

They laugh at me,
Calling out,

“You silly girl,
Always painting your face,
Playing pretty like a child,
Run, then rage, then reconcile… Oh you little girl,
You silly infant cannot even tell yourself the truth!
Cannot even tell yourself the truth!”

“YOU are INADEQUATE!”

Their words jeering in my ears,
I feel their cackling taunts and I rip at their veneers,
So as to shut them up their evil voices,
These ten little demons,
I will drown their voices,
And they will lose their new faces.

by vanessa toews

sorry it got long the best part is the story about the drunk kid at the bust depot belive me!!

2007-03-11T22:43:00.000-06:00

alright sooo last night was probably the most fun i have had in a long time its not like i havent done things that were more fun lately but just the combination of people and places and oddities made it really great.

it started out with nadia comming to my work and then us going to starbucks and then picking up chantel, then we went to whyte to grab some eats before the concert we were going to... so we went to subway becuase it was the quickest and the healthiest i guess, and then we went for a short jaunt to american apparel where i ended up getting a hoodie and a polo shirt. anywho we headed over to the show which was a little benifit concert for our friend lizanne who is going on a ywam trip into the mountains... and then off to some random country to help out poor people which will be great. the show was really small which was sad cuase i wish that they could have raised more money but thats okay becuase it made up for it in randomness and fun, joe and teddy(wellput) rapped and then they did a little freestyle sesh with iD and nathan who played the drums it was fun.
after that kara, chantel nadia lizanne and myself piled into my car and got some icecream which was soo yummy,

next we headed uptown to meet jezikah the four rooms for some jazz which was also very great, except the part when the like 50 year old hit on us which was just funny... anyways we had some martinis and some tappas which were really delish, i had some potato latkies (is that how you spell it?) with salmon, dill, and keppers... i have to say i havent had any latkies that good since mrs. mansels house. which is saying something becuase she's one of the best cooks EVER!!

anywho we talked and drank our delisious liechee martinis and listend to jazz and then we drove home keira and lisanne, and chantel and nadia and i headed back home to sherwood park, nadia had taken the buss in earlier so we drove to the bus depot and there was a drunk kid stumbleing around who tried to get into my car via the back doors which was funny becuase its two door. we felt bad and so we drove him to his "freinds house" which ended up being some total randoms house that he just walked into it was pretty funny acutally then we was like okay thats not it and he was like maybe take me to my house... he fell a few times already so his hands were pretty scraped up and stuff we all just felt bad for him... but at the same time i was like a little worried becuase i was like okay this seemes alot like the way that a horror movie or a porn movie might start off... what have we gotten ourselfs into ha ha ha eventually after hearing how he got punched by a bouncer and something about his house falling out of his pocket, and other messed up stuff ha ha ha we finally found his house and he got out and was like back up back up i think some of my house fell on the ground!! so i did and i watched him search around on ground for a while before he pulled out his keys and went into the house which amazingly turned out to be his real house ha ha ha... we drove back to the buss depot and nadia went home, then i dropped off chantel and came home to go to sleep because by then it was a little after 3, and it was spring forward weekend which ment it was acutally a little after 4... and i had to go to church in the morning. so yeah it was a really really fun night... and this was super long... sorry i always write things that are too long...

and that is what magic is all about...

2007-03-08T23:22:00.001-07:00

Ode to a Nightingale

MY heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains
My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,
Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains
One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:
’Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,
But being too happy in thine happiness,-
That thou, light-winged Dryad of the trees,
In some melodious plot
Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,
Singest of summer in full-throated ease.

II.

O, for a draught of vintage! that hath been
Cool’d a long age in the deep-delved earth,
Tasting of Flora and the country green,
Dance, and Provencal song, and sunburnt mirth!
O for a beaker full of the warm South,
Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,
With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,
And purple-stained mouth;
That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,
And with thee fade away into the forest dim:

III.

Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget
What thou among the leaves hast never known,
The weariness, the fever, and the fret
Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;
Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last gray hairs,
Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;
Where but to think is to be full of sorrow
And leaden-eyed despairs,
Where Beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,
Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.

IV.

Away! away! for I will fly to thee,
Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,
But on the viewless wings of Poesy,
Though the dull brain perplexes and retards:
Already with thee! tender is the night,
And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,
Cluster’d around by all her starry Fays;
But here there is no light,
Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown
Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.

V.

I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,
Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,
But, in embalmed darkness, guess each sweet
Wherewith the seasonable month endows
The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild;
White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;
Fast fading violets cover’d up in leaves;
And mid-May’s eldest child,
The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,
The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.

VI.

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time
I have been half in love with easeful Death,
Call’d him soft names in many a mused rhyme,
To take into the air my quiet breath;
Now more than ever seems it rich to die,
To cease upon the midnight with no pain,
While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad
In such an ecstasy!
Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain -
To thy high requiem become a sod.

VII.

Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!
No hungry generations tread thee down;
The voice I hear this passing night was heard
In ancient days by emperor and clown:
Perhaps the self-same song that found a path
Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,
She stood in tears amid the alien corn;
The same that oft-times hath
Charm’d magic casements, opening on the foam
Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.

VIII.

Forlorn! the very word is like a bell
To toil me back from thee to my sole self!
Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well
As she is fam’d to do, deceiving elf.
Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades
Past the near meadows, over the still stream,
Up the hill-side; and now ’tis buried deep
In the next valley-glades:
Was it a vision, or a waking dream?
Fled is that music: - Do I wake or sleep?

-John Keats

yeah... basicly these are words, that when felt and relished with savoring mind, make love to your ears... yup thats is what i would have to say about that.

take it form the eastside to the west... to the quilters quild???

2007-03-08T14:35:00.000-07:00

i've been a little to lazy to blog lately but here we are again and here i go talking about more lame crap you dont need to read really... anywho i will try to keep this interesting if at all possible. i am working on a new project, doing a condo just a few blocks from work here... its really great its got a veiw of the river and the ledge grouds. im re-doing her kitchen and her colours so that will be fun. im working on some art which probably wont really make much of a splash, i found my project for the summer though. it is: Learning to quilt ha ha ha... go figure hey? it started after i saw some AMAZING quilts that inspired sooo much, they are by the artist Ai Kijima. hats off to her!! anywho this is the art/quiting that inspired me to take it up... i think they are a breath takeing riot of pop culture and childhood memories and great colours, that come out alot more dark and brooding that one might expect am i not right?

i think if quilting was as easy as knitting it would totaly be soo scene to make quits all the sudden ha ha ha... but who wants to make a quit when you can make a scarf for your boyfriend(sarcasm)...Oh! they were selling knitting kits at urban outfiters it made me mad becuase i've been knitting since grade 8 with my friends, i even tought my brother! we all had shirts that said knit or die with a skull and knitting neadles for cross bones... we were soo hard core... us little knitter punks! so yeah basicly life is good i'm going to jasper in 8 days wooo whoooo for snowboarding finally! thanks for reading this crap hope you feel inspired to be creative like i was when i saw those quilts. and dont forget folks... KNIT OR DIE!

new art

2007-03-05T12:20:00.000-07:00

check it out i got a new frame that works really really well for a drawing i did a while back... i think its cute it gives it a really interesting feel... im going to work on another one when i have some time... its going to be a drawing of a girl in sorta a maddona pose not like the singer... like the virgin marry ha ha ha, with some birds and some ribbons sorta like tatoo artish who knows i hope it will turn out okay we'll see... i might go get a few more of those frames though... even though they were like $40... which equals me spending too much money on a picture frame i think... anywho... hope you like them...

this is my rant this is my rage ha ha ha

2007-03-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

okay so im going to turn this one into a slam poem becuase its long and wordy and way to thick and obvious to be a real poem... but still someone had to write it right? ha ha ha im going to hopefully record it sometime soon:P who knows.

Paris Hilton, Our Venus Seeks Our Worship

You see her, as she flips her phone,
The Venus of the modern world, does not embody classical mythology,
She’s a modern dumbed down type, and when I say dumbed down...
Well that’s really more or less an understatement.
She, standing with her caramel legs and pedicured feet,
Placed sweetly into six inch killer stilettos,
The pointy type, the kind that she will walk all over everyone in,
She, stands in line to get her fix of caffeine and calories that she will later barf up while
She goes to the bathroom to powder her nose...
And lets not be naive about what I meant there.

When she sees the cameras she plays sweet like sauce,
But don’t cross her she’s scary little thing,
All that anger and hunger,
Parents to busy to lover her,
Body to perfect to actually be fed,
She has everything right?
I'm mean what more could you ask for,
Except maybe one of those new escalades...
The ones with diamond encrusted wheels and 24carat paint.
Lets not forget we've made her this, we put her in lights,
We with out the money gave her the power to rule our thoughts,
We bowed down to worship her while looking up her skirt...
Because as usual she’s not wearing panties...

We love her we hate her we would do anything to silence her, but then again,
Wait.
We love her, and we hate her we would do anything to be her,
Forfeit the knowledge, and the wisdom, and the families, who love us,
Screw the Pinto, or the Nissan, and working for the man, we would drop it all...and give it up to be the ones put on that stand.

WHAT?!? You look at me with perplexed eyes like all I do is spit these lies...

Still in your hearts your blackest corners you envy wealth, and still adore her...
So if we really cared enough we'd say it by turning the TV’s off...
And instead of trying to look more like her we might try thinking on lands like Darfur... or the countless other countries we cant spell cause our American greed made their lives a hell...
We might start trying to get out more, to help out people we know are poor,
We the "blessed" the elect of God, we all seem to think that charity is odd,
And I’m getting kinda scared by the words we share cuase we talk like we care, but don’t you dare, cuase you'd be looked at like you had three eyes, and you know… maybe if you did you might see past the lies... and realize that Paris Hilton isn’t God she's just a prostitute in nicer clothes.

my day... not that you really give a shit do you?

2007-02-25T01:08:00.000-07:00

Im in the spirits for blogging! this was inspired by the stellar post by Keira, hats of to you my girl! so today was acutally a really good day! i went to old glenora with my good friend nadia to have some lunch and gellato( i had the coconut gellato it was basicly a symphony for your tastebuds....) and then we hit the streets seeing as it was acutally kinda nice out today! we went to the tea house and i got some matte and talked to a hot guy who ended up being from the good old chillismack... or Chilliwack for those non lower mainlanders... i though things were going really well and so did nadia untill his gilrfirend came in to see what was taking so long HA HA HA! story of my life? yeah thats what i thought too! anyways i got my delish blends of yarba matte ... one with lemongrass and one with a mild blend of pepperment and spearmint... really really good... and then we took off and went to vespuchi this second hand store that only sells designer clothes... i looked at a jucey sun dress and some cute citizens of humanity jeans but didnt buy them beucase i didnt want to spend more money!!! then we went to red ribbon a store that does its best to be a very gastown store... alot of the clothes were really really super cute but im still not willing to pay quite that much for my clothes even if they are canadian made and all that shit... i have a few things from there that i almost never wear so i dont bother buying it anymore ha ha ha... anyways i tryed on a dress and it was nice and it was cut nice but it was a halter dress and the top was cut like triangle bikini top ha ha ha and you would think that it would cover more but it doesnt ha ha ha needless to say i looked like pam anderson which contrairy to male oppinion is not a good thing ha ha ha...
anywho we went back home and i did nadias hair and makeup and she went out to a party, i stayed home because of my sugar headache from the gellato... cooked some sweet dinner with my mum chicken steak , sweet potato fries and ceaser salad... it was pretty damn good especially the sweet potato fries that we baked in the oven... i fed my nephew and held him for the beter part of the evening then my bro took him home and i watched a movie with my mum and pop, i know im lame ha ha ha but i like my parents they are cool really! the movie was pretty good it was called "flyboys" and maybe its just my seirous lack of any action these days but james franco was sooo foxy in that movie... ha ha ha and that sums up my day in long drawn out not that interesting details ha ha ha ... im really excited to go to church tomorow becuase i planned my outfit and my hair and makeup and im excited to get all pretty ha ha ha ... im really lame i know... but i really do get excited about donning my new talulah sweater vest with my grey skinny chords and kelly green flats, and yes doing my hair with a plait braid and messy waves with soft dewy looking makeup alla cloe svenige does make me look forward to wakeing up if you think thats lame then shove off ha ha ha... anywho im going to keep listeing to music... i just downloaded some of the new justin timberlake c.d. i know seirously whats freeking wrong with me? im like not me anymore ha ha ha... okay so i am a closet fan of his music... again i dont care what you think ha ha ha anywho its late and i want to look nice for church so im going to go sleep! have a good night or day or whatever time your reading. have a good whaever time you read this!

pure sugar and filth

2007-02-22T01:45:00.000-07:00

i decided to post a blog about something that wasnt important or meaningful or cool because i dont have the time or the desire to do so... instead i will now give you my complied in the last 10 minuts "hottest movie characters" list which somehow stemmed from keiras comment about being in love wiht mac ha ha ha... anyways... here you have it: definatly number one all time favorite movie character is lawson (played by gabriel macht) on the movie love song for bobbie long... basicly if he were a real person that i knew i would be havieng his babies. next is ewan mcgregor as catcher block in down with love... he is so sly and im sorry there is just something about guy who is like im hot and you want me... i dont know why, maybe freud does...? next is adrian brody's hands in the pianist... i have this wierd thing with seeing people play the piano... and he has nice hands... and i think hes hot in general... and i love his nose... i know i know im wierd... and last but not least both matthew goode and johnathan rhyse myers in match point... matthew goode just seems like a sweet person no matter what he says or does and jonathan rhys myers is just carnal and hot and bad.... ha ha ha anywho i dont feel like thinkin of more and i think i have made myself sound more than just a bit jr high boycrazy but i never did the boy crazy thing back then ha ha ha maybe its kicking in in the wrong decade of my life ha ha ha oh well. night night!

mac book what?!?!?

2007-02-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

so today i got a new computer, thats exciting!!! yeah!!! wooo hooooo!!! its pretty cute its a black mac book... yeah i did want a mac book pro they are sooo sleak and sexy ha ha ha but it was just too much money in all reality... i could have bought it i had the money but i didnt want to be like left with almost no savings... you understand right? i thought so... anywho i though i would leave you with a funny and kind of ironic mac commercial because it hapened today at our house... we got some massive virus on our hp here and now its all glitchy and haveing seasures ha ha ha its not cool! anyways i am like 100% in love with my new mac book i am very very happy! anywho you dont really care sooo i will leave you alone. mauh i will probably be making a new blog soon with some of the programs on here... alright have a good night love vann!!m

if theres anything to say if theres anything to do if there's any other way i'll do anything for you.

2007-02-07T23:13:00.000-07:00

foribiden garden

how could i explain to you what i felt tonight?
instantly,
your proximity it spoke to me,
hit my chest like golden light,
how do i explain to you,
your proximity
like a magnetic field of regrets
your face opened to mine,
didn't you remember?
you had your chance,
once you were not owned,
i was not owned,
nor owned now,
before i have felt your gaze
like it was tonight,
only of less regret and more...

what does it matter?
i was to unsure to believe your pulls,
you didn't tell me in writing,
you never breathed a word,
to a girl so insecure,
could have picked her locks with a bobby pin,
you could have walked
into her lobby,
you could have explored her study,
but you did not know this facade,
just a sticker on the door of a house,
the owners don't pay the bills,
the security,
shut off ages ago,

now you found yourself a picket fence,
and hedges trimmed and groomed,
an owner who let you pick the flowers,
you worked in her flowerbeds,
in the heat of summer days,
and she drank from the garden hose.

you found utopia,
once you put your name on it,
it's all too real and now,
your proximity,
intoxicating with notes of lust and regrets,
oh your proximity.

i felt your proximity in the hallway,
as we walked,
i made tea in the kitchen,
i felt your gaze in the pantry,
your awkward stare,
raw it pulled at my hair,
it slipped into my skirt,
it grabbed for my shirt,
in frenzy fighting the desire to feel
your proximity,
i was so weak,
and your rings and vows,
your honor and your word,
none would break the spell of your proximity,
how do i tell you i knew?
now that i feel your proximity
in these bed sheets ajar,
i smell your proximity,
the sweetness of your sweat spent on me,
and i eat up your proximity,
it is rich and only enhanced by
the knoledge of your choice,
your desire beyond reason to feel my proximity.

by vanessa toews

... and no im not a poet, so screw you if you dont like it.

2007-02-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

basicly this just made me laugh... i dont know maybe becuase its so true...
if that doesnt work you cant watch it here...http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1739699

You have twice the autonomy the giraffes and tigers do

2007-02-06T15:51:00.000-07:00

I find it funny how often in life, the trivial things impress the greatest sense of magnitude upon me... just last night as I sat in psych class seeping in information about the brain I realized how very beautiful and complex life really is. Not that it’s so complex in the sense of everyday living, but in the autonomic sense... the things we don’t realize are going on inside and around us at every given moment. The realization of how many reactions and actions it takes for us to simply see something. The spectrums of light we differentiate as colours and depths, the sounds we hear, sounds are really no more than a displacement of air causing a vibration that our brain reads and interprets as a sense. It is so beautiful to think of the complexity we take for granted everyday. The gift we have in our senses alone, the gift we have in seeing, feeling, smelling, and hearing it is mind blowing to me. Everything all simultaneously combining to create a rich sensory experience, we forget to be so very much in awe of our bodies and our creator for giving us such an immense gift. When I think about it the beauty of what we can comprehend with all of our senses I am overcome. It leads me to feel that everything for the wonder of being able to take it in at all is in fact something beautiful form the mundane to the exquisite it is all beautiful in its own way. Seriously! The concept that we can perceive texture and line and colour of our surroundings, and the knowledge that we can smell the heat of a computer, the perfume on someone’s shirt, or even the scent of the wood in a pencil, how can it not just fill you with great fullness at the gift of live. Everything combines to create layers of beauty, and when you think about it… really think about it, that makes life the amazing thing that it is. Even the complexity of a kiss, all of the things you take in at once, the smell of the person near you the sound of their breath the graze of each other’s lips. All of these things in a scientific sense are a miracle in and of themselves. The amount of information your body processes to come up with just the smell of the other person alone is overwhelming. The neurons firing and sending signals, all of the things in your brain working, moving information and chemicals from point A to point B… It inspires me. It proves to me that life is more than just chance and that there must be a higher power, there has to be a great designer of life, one who wants us if nothing else to see the beauty in which we were made and realize that it is good. The sheer wonder of our very existence in the first place is enough to make you question it all. We are so consumed with the silly standards for what we call beautiful that we don’t even realize that our very existence is beautiful, more than just visually beautiful. It is complexly, and intricately, and profoundly beautiful and for that realization I am so very happy.

where would love be without wishful thinking

2007-02-05T15:35:00.000-07:00

ahhh freezing rain enveloped my world today and although it is warmer than it has been it is really not nice out... the barista @ my starbucks told me to drive slowly beucase if i died he would miss talking to me every morning when i got my coffee which made my day... in a weird way ha ha ha... i usto work there after all. i did see 4 accidents on my drive into the city... ah the life of a commuter... i never though i would be a commuter, or that i would work down town. being little miss independant woman (not in a destinys child way ha ha ha) is realy a good feeling ha ha ha.
tonight is psych class... which im really really starting to hate... hopefully class is short so that i make it home in time for my one sinful t.v. indulgence... prison break... ahhh the ever-foxy wentworth miller makes my mondays let me tell you! and i dont care if people say hes gay... the fact is hes hot... end of story. in other news there is a benifit concert on the 15th for anyone who would like to go... its at the starlight room and features feilds to flood and hills like white eliphants... they are good and the concert is cheap... tickets are $10 in advance and $12 at the door... oh and doors are at 8. im planning on going and if im there you know its going to be good ha ha ha... anyways i probably wont post much this week as i have a mid term in art history which i do plan on aceing as usual...

i act like a child becuase you act like my parent.

2007-01-30T13:40:00.000-07:00

so this was on austins blog and i figured i would try it... ha ha ha i dont know if this is good or bad or strangely true...meh... i dont realy care.

today is cloudy, cold, and windy... it is the perfect reminder of why i hate alberta. i watched some dvds at work sofar and i am almost done my venti americano... i have half a sqare of dark chocolate in my coat pocket and im trying to save it for my desperate point sometime this afternoon when i resort to online tetris or maybe even a game of kdice or twelve... ha ha ha oh well i think i might try to do some reading or something maybe work in my poety asignment for school. oh sylvia plath how i love your direct yet intracately woven ways of writing poetry. seriously i am realy happy to be me, i dont know why i said that i just felt the need to share it ha ha ha. oh also i made this on the computer to combat my boredom seriously its going to be a long day isnt it? yes... yes it is.

2007-01-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

In a puddle with some broken glass

hope comes in a paper box
it comes
in bottles it comes
in faces
it comes
when the sky is gray
it comes
when the sky is gray
and the clouds falling down
beat your face with their sorrows
it comes
in silence hope comes
in the dark
the crowded room
the barren womb
in ribboned hair
in birds on branch
in rays through cloud
it comes

miles away from the love you made even heaven gets rough, ghosts werent ment for bleading

2007-01-25T00:07:00.000-07:00

I've spent so much time these days building my life so that i can not be broken. doing this i still let people into my life... but it was more that i didn't let people affect my life.
This all came to me as I lit a smoke (yeah im sorry guys i lit up a smoke) put on some amy millan and drove home after dropping chantel off. Tonight was spent hanging out with Chantel and my good ol' firend Jon O, and it reminded me how much time i have spent being with people I loved but i wouldn't let those people affect me or change me... i AM ME... i DON'T appologise for that... remeber I'm a strong independant woman and i know whats best for me... that might be true to some degree but tonight i let my freinds affect me and remind me of who i was. they dont even know, they didnt even try... i just couldnt be strong anymore and in silence i let it in.
We all met at camp working the summer, doing things together, having fun being silly, being close and saying hey I'll call you when i get back home... all of us thinking we'll probably never see each other again. Well the first week home we called and met for coffee and became fast freinds who did the stupidest things together, the loud distruptive care free people we all were at heart. I hit jeeps while trying to read bumper-stickers, projected sodas through my nose, laughed so hard i fell down (litterally) talked till 3 in the morning and drove home from st albert with chantel always screaming the something corporate lyrics at the tops of our lungs. Then life happend we saw each other less and less and eventually jon got a girlfriend who didnt fancy us other two missfits. i wonder why. Once a week turned into once a month and once a month turned into every six months or so sometimes longer... we all got older... i got independant, jadded, lost the romantical ways in which i saw the world and eventually cut of the air to my heart... letting it die. I never realized how much i did that. Even when i felt it... i judged it... i knew i had things figured out right? but that which i believed was still wrong. i had lost the hopes of perfect loves, i lost the butterflys, i lost the daydreams. Now my day dreams were sprinkled with marc jacob shoes and all the perfect art i was going to make with all the perfect time in the world. I was okay being cold, it was soothing somehow. It was nice to watch the broken heart i had scab over and scar and eventually calicify and turn to stone. today i realized i did that i watched it i welcomed it and now i woke up. i let my heart turn to stone i actually watched it die and didnt care.
Now stone is grinding to dust and dust will mix with water and make clay and then hopefully the clay will be plyable enough to make something new. I will be able to find joy in the way that people affect me and change me and move me to growth, i will be able to be me again. i dont want to be this hard heart anymore, i want to be soft and plyable and warm. i want to watch chick flicks and feel happy or sad, anything but sarcastic or skeptical. i just want to feel... i want to be real not this Ghost going around talking to people, feeling nothing as they try to embrace me, their arms slipping right through me leaving me uneffected... just a shadow, a holigram of my former self.

first taste of the dirty side of this buisness

2007-01-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

hey, i know this is not really that important to you guys but our store was featured in the latest quarterly issue of Best Home. i thought it was pretty cool we have featured stuff through out the issue and a write up about our store, im really stoked about it and i know you guys dont really care... so sorry.

In other news i may have mentioned to some of you that the owner of McElheran's ( http://www.mcelheran.com/ ) came in because he was looking to buy a mirror for a client, while he was here he also told me that i had a job with him if Etagere didnt work out to which i was flattered but to which i siad i have a great boss and i love working here. anyways... i marked the mirror for him and he said he would be back in sometime.... well it had been about a week or so and melinda and i got the feeling something wasnt right... and it wasnt. Mark (the sales Rep for majestic mirrors and a friend of ours) called us to tell us that Jeff the owner of Mcelherans called to order the catalog and mirrors we sell in our store, mark told him hewouldt do that becuase we had an agreement with him about the mirrors. the agrement is that he only sells the high end mirrors to us becuase we have a good name with him and we have been a long standing client. Today we personally delivered our mirror catalogs to jeff just to check up and see if he still needed the mirror, and melinda told him that if he needed to order any mirrors we would be more than happy order them for him, he acted all like Oh yeahhhh, i was going to come in with the client sometime this week but things got really busy bla bla bla... we just smiled and said mark had been in today and he got a little bit ill looking and didnt say anything else... we just left him the catalogs and smiled.. hopefully he feels like a big dick becuase thats what he is. whats with people seriously?

summery of what i learned: Sure... i may be a small fish swimming in a sea of sharks... that just means i get to look forward to seeing the looks on their faces when this piranha eats them for lunch!!!

just for shits and giggles here is the 411 on the j-dubs theology ha ha ha

behold i am the wicked witch of the west

2007-01-18T14:23:00.000-07:00

this should explain itself... but it doesnt does it?

Well then here it goes, i am not a cold heartless woman such as the one pictured below if anyone would like to debate this you can contact me at go_eat_an_ass@idontcare.com ... oh and have a nice day.
and no i dont think i should have to feel bad for saying this

yeah i would do it so there!

2007-01-16T16:35:00.000-07:00

here is my newest project... the MACQARIUM no i dont think i will be abel to get my hands on a nice imac shell but the old mac shell will be fairly easy i think... i know of a few computer nerds who i can bug for parts... im going to make one though i must it calls to me... it does seriously... look at it how could it not? anyways... maybe you dont find this as great as i do.. if not i pitty you... ha ha ha and dont give me any shit about how its a massive waste of a computer get over it.

i saw a sign in the sky, i heard a voice in my heart.

2007-01-09T23:54:00.000-07:00

No this is not about my and Austin so get over it. I am allowed to make poems about fictional people that’s what people who write poems do... and yes you will make comments still... but that doesn’t mean their right or valid.

Zan

mortality taunts me,
dreams dirty treacherous
things, traversing mind scape,
last night I cheated on you,
my deceitful heart, whispered
in his ear, coy and determined I
spoke so smooth,
then slipped into his kisses,
made a pact and parted ways,
sworn an oath of deception,
robbed of chance to meet again,
called to reality alarm
rang out scorn,
seeking comfort from warm spray,
though of him again,
writhing in the steam,
he slips hands on cream flesh,
condensation and images accumulate,
coming, coming down now
sinking again guilt,
drying, I seek solace
still lover cannot know,
I will keep both in the dark,
I will keep both

By Vanessa Toews

this is me as an animated figure... hmmm what do you think?

2007-01-09T00:52:00.000-07:00

okay sooo i made this when i was talking on the phone with austin its suposed to be me... but i have an eating disorder in this rendering of me ha ha ha and they didnt quite have my hair... oh well what can you do right? but i would do something like dance witha boom box while weairng a dress and tights we all know i would and at least its my updated hair colour! anyways this post is a discrace to blogging it really is... but im really tired and this is all i got... sorry

dust and clay... one day one day

2007-01-03T17:18:00.000-07:00

i know i know its hard to see just click the image and you can enlarge it... but it is worth the read its freeking fab! seriously... i know at least austin will get a chuckle but i think hes already read it before... hmmm oh well i thought it was good... i know

i dont really think much about what im doing. i just do it.

2007-01-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

first something to salivate over:
anyways there is some new art for you to drool over... and if you dont whatever because i liked and this is my blog so there! the first two are by Ina Bierstedt and the last one is by Stief Desmet. enjoy... sorry the last one is so small and hard to see :(... is it just me or did the dot dot do make that sad face dude look like he's slobbering? oh well. Sorry im too lazy to post anything real tonight, besides tomorow is the first day back to school... yeah im pretty excited to go back. im in art history tomorow! oh how i love art history!!!!! :)

people love easy ideas

2007-01-01T01:48:00.000-07:00

All right so I thought i would ring in the new years without a big bang this year, so what did I do? I chilled with my parents!! I decided that I wanted to do something different this year and take time to meditate on the year, and just bring in the new year with out all the noise, I listened to cbc radio while I started a painting (I got a lot done actually), I did a little prayer (not that kind of prayer Austin) and meditating on the new year, I played some golf on x-box with my mum and dad, made some appetizers, went in the hot tub, and then played some rummy-cube... do i care that i sound like a sr. citizen? no, not at all. it was honestly one of the best new years i can remember, there was no talking to people I don’t like no expectations to be friendly, no unfortunate drunken party scenes (not that I have those seeing as i rarely drink.) no stress, just me choosing to do what i wanted to do the way i wanted to do it and i feel pretty damn good about it!!! what's my new years resolution? to make a budget... ha ha ha i know its the most ambitious new years resolution ever! but lucky for me i have a mum who is a budget queen! she’s amazing seriously she keeps her books balanced to the cent... literally!

and now for the completely pointless part of my post... Nicole and i went to the Fort Hotel to see some friends we hadn’t seen since jr high. Background info: the fort hotel was once the dingy smokey old person pub in Fort Saskatchewan. It has now to our surprise been turned into a loud slutty wannabe club. We saw like 4 pregnant girls drinking questionable looking beverages, but we weren’t sure, and a bunch of girls trying to be Paris Hilton in an up skirt shot… icky. Anyways, after inhaling a pack or two worth of second hand smoke we decided that it was time to just get out, and we were frankly starving so we looked around and noticed that nothing in the fort was open, and drove to the only thing open in Sherwood park… DENNY’S well I don’t know if you have ever really noticed the massive amounts of drunk people who flock to Denny’s at like 2 in the morning but we are both well aware of the fact seeing as they have cheap coffee and French fries when you need them… anyways I was writing some notes in my notebook (go figure) when I suddenly felt compelled to write down what drunk people say when they go to Denny’s at 2 a.m. so… here it is the memorable Denny’s quotes list from Friday night:

Do chickens have fingers? No they have claws… or talons or something like that.

I’ll have the seasonal fries

No… it really is my birthday

How can you deny a man with a beard like this?

Oh man seriously where are my seasonal fries!?! Hey bitch! Yeah you!
Who you talking to? Me?
Yeah you! No seasonal fries no booze no birthday desert! Your fucking terrible!!!

I’m never going to have a girlfriend never… not with a face like this.

Bahhhh, bahhhh look guys I’m a sheep ( wearing fake snow fluff on his head)
that’s not how you get girls man… that is NOT how!

And so all the sudden my dad walks in and I’m in this massive like cloud, and he’s like… so… you smoke weed hey? And there’s like huge chunks of it on the table and like my pipes and my bong… it was fucking hilarious…
Okay everyone come sit here! This is going to be the party mother fucking table! Hey are you guys coming over here?!?

Are you calling me gay?
Dude she just called you gay!
No seriously? Are you calling me gay?
Seriously dude she called you gay!

I’m going to come and hump the shit out of you! BE PREPARED TO HAVE CHILDREN!!!

Seriously Miss can you kick them out?

Hey he didn’t want the seasonal fries, he canceled his order of seasonal fries.
(waitress) we don’t have seasonal fucking French fries!!!

Oh my goodness those are the hairiest arms I’ve ever seen!!

So she’s all mad at me for breaking up with her and so I’m like “hey! hey! Why did you get pregnant?… maybe this wouldn’t be happening!!”

I want to make love to myself…

Pack of smokes, a pack of smokes, a pack of smokes, a pack of smokes, a pack of smokes, a pack of smokes, a pack of smokes, a pack of smokes…

Seriously this song seriously sucks balls.

I love donkeys… no seriously i do.

hmmm and people always ask me why i dont drink ha ha ha... happy new years! love you all, love vann!

whats wrong with us anyways?

2006-12-28T15:30:00.000-07:00

All right... so I haven’t posted in a while and I’m sorry to the 4 people who read this blog, because I love you for reading it. I watched the movie blood diamond last night, it was really good, it was one of the few and far between movies that reminded me that there are still a few useful people in Hollywood. Anyways apart from curbing any desire I ever had for anything with diamonds, it also solidified my ideas on the fact that engagement rings are just another gimmick that we are dragged into spending zillions on each year. What does a diamond say? Even if there's 100 carats sitting on your finger... that is no official determination of love or meaning in the end. In fact if one finds themselves with such a ring they might want to question the motives behind it.
If people are truly in love why do they need a 2-carat ring to prove it? Yeah... I don’t really know either. Why not save the cash and put it down on a house, hell, why not go on a two-month trip to Europe for your honeymoon?? Seriously what does a ring say to everyone else? It’s a status symbol like a car or a purse or whatever the hell we define each other with. I don’t want to be another person buying into it all. I mean its nice if you can afford it and if you have already bought your fiancé a nice ring good on you, but they are not as rare as they are said to be and they are no where near the worth they are sold at. Sorry to burst your bubble but it’s a big huge waste of cash!

Oh, my other beef is TV shows these days. I had never seen the TV show one tree hill before, and on Tuesday night I went over to a friends and turns out they were having a one tree hill marathon. Well, I started to watch the show that I assumed was about university age students. Suddenly they are in a high school, what?!? They are in grade 11... hold the phone, they are like 27 year olds! they all look older than me that’s for sure, and I’ve been out of high school for a while. So I keep watching and in the first scene there is a popular rich skinny girl going on and on in the middle of bio class about how horny she is and how she needs to get plowed… well she didn’t say plowed but she did say she was horny and needed to get laid. What are we teaching these kids? For crying out loud I barely knew what a blowjob was back then, well that’s not entirely true.

The point is that the whole show was glamorizing sexual relationships between teenagers not to mention massive amounts of underage drinking and consumerism. And do you think any of them will ever get knocked up and have to drop out of school I highly doubt it, or what about an std? and where are their parents in the whole thing. im sure i sound so old fashioned right now, but sometimes i wonder if its a good idea to expose kids who barely know how to make their own oppinions and ideas to so much crap! What about the other two “grade eleven” students who divorced themselves from their parents so that they could get married? They had an apartment nicer than almost every newly wed couple I have ever met, and they were in grade 11 going to school and working part time jobs to make their rent. I’m sorry that total bullshit. Two 17 year olds leading completely independent lives? Just flying through life managing payments, rent, school, jobs, playing team sports after school and then finally majorly parting on the weekends? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that it is not just virtually impossible, it is impossible. No wonder half the kids I meet volunteering with youth groups are so clueless about life. They are fed these bull shit you can have everything with out working for it lies… okay, i know not every kid is stupid enough to buy into it. i didnt buy into it right? well that might not have been so true, if i had cable in highschool who knows what would have happend to me! This Is probably getting really long and you probably aren't even reading it anymore. So, sorry I ranted for so long. It just pissed me off that people could market something so of the wall to teens and that they are willing to buy it. The end!

my photo friend tabitha

2006-12-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

this is a little shout out for tabitha who is my favorite photographer of all times ha ha ha! you rock girl! she made this not me... i just thought that everyone should see her tallent! and its nice to know that "everyday" girls can be models and look pretty amazing if i do say so myself... ha ha ha besides i gotta say that im in there too... enjoy...

2006-12-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay this wont be a Christmas post, I know everyone is sick of them. This will be a did I ever tell you about the time I almost had a head on collision with our former premier at the Chanukah celebration at the legislature grounds post... Okay so last year for Chanukah my friend and I went to the legislature where they light the Giant menorah every year and the whole thing is just awesome you go eat latkes and have fun talking and feeling out of place if you are me… because I am not Jewish, but I sure do like their latkes ha ha ha… nah my best friend is the one who is Jewish… anyways… the story goes that he was there for all the processions and jazz. You know how it goes its kind of like a Christmas play but it’s a Chanukah play… and then we all go out to the main grounds of the legislature and we light the GIANT menorah and we sing and have fun right well any who Ralphie is there to light the menorah too and be a part of the festivities. I know a celebration with out getting drunk and Ralph Klein don’t happen often but they did that night… so the festivities die down and Vanessa and I ( I know I have to many friends with my name… and no not the evil Vanessa… the nice one) we get in my car and we trundle down the back roads of the legislature area and we notice that we are going towards the river and we want to be headed the other way so I being a quick thinking dame spin my car up a road that looks to be headed back up to the downtown, little did I know I was driving up the one way road coming from the legislature car park, so happy as can be I am driving up this narrow little chute of a road towards lights, HEADLIGHTS!!! I slammed on my breaks and there bumper to bumper and looking pissed as can be is good ol’ Ralph chain-smoking his anger away. Well, his driver who is looking slightly more pissed is waving his hands at me as if I were a stray animal, and the road is about the same width as my car and almost as winding as a B.C. mountain pass! I have to throw my car into reverse and do my best stunt driver impression to get us out of this mess! After hitting the curb way more than once and feeling as though I were spontaneously combusting because of my burning embarrassment and wondering if they are going to take my license and audit me next year I finally got my self out of the shitty mess I was in and sped off hoping that I never got into politics while he was in office… that’s life right? I almost killed the premier and then suddenly life is all back to normal… anyways… happy Chanukah and merry Christmas! And all the other ones I forgot you too!!! Anyways the end hope you laughed

finally a real post...

2006-12-19T01:58:00.000-07:00

this is what a post looks like...
this is also what a post looks like... happy? me too :) hope your all haveing a good day!

Hot Dog Movie!!

2006-12-09T12:50:00.000-07:00

this is my claymation video i made while i was on the phone last night... it only took me a few minuts to make but the computer kept crashing so i couldnt post it then.... so here it is now!! ta daaa!!!!

we will make your dreams come true... you want a pink pony hair ottoman im your girl!

2006-12-05T13:35:00.000-07:00

Okay so I know its been enough about my interior designer life. But sometimes this job does pose its challenges, like today. i got a call from montreal today from a woman asking about a chair from a company called varier. well the furnature isnt stuff we would sell from our store... i wish... but its to modern. Anyways, i look it up and apparently they usto have a warehouse in canada eventhough they dont technically distribute to canada yeah its weird i know! whatever... becuase we once sold this furnature and were the only people in canada to have sold it. which was only becuase one of melindas friends wanted the furnature and so melinda opend an account so that she could order it for her. but becuase we had sold a bunch of it to melindas freind, when the lady called the company about how to get it... they told her to call us... it sounds wierd but its not... with most furniture companys you cant just buy it from the web site... you call them they tell you who sells it you call those people and tell them what you want and then they call the company and tell them what the people wanted the first time they called... it doesnt make sence to me either but thats the rules right? right... well i found the chair on their web site and got all the numbers i need to order it after calling them with our dealer number and guess what! they dont have a warehouse in canada anymore becuase we were the only ones who knew about it... or at least how to get it... whihc is funny becuase its huge in europe... which i know it is... because as soon as i saw the stuff i recognized it from magazines like walpaper who are all about the cutting edge modern design. and like i've seen tons of knock off versions of it around here... but its not the same stuff. its like buying a coat that looks like marc jacobs and owning a coat that acutally is marc jacobs... its close but its just not the same... but that argument makes more sence with furnature than it does with clothes... anyways the point of this story that i have to figure out how to get this stuff shipped from one of 22 european countries who "might" be willing to ship to edmonton ... and then get it to montreal after that ha ha ha... awsome! im so glad we cater to special ordering! ha ha ha so i have to call luxembourg, switzerland, denmark and every other euro place under the sun trying to get some one to ship this stuff out here... its kinda fun but kinda stressfull becuase its like a game and a challenge and in some ways its just more work than i wanted to deal with while doing exams... you know how it is... anyways the chair is really awsome... and i kinda want one now that i've seen it maybe it was the guy in the picture looking so peaceful and content... who knows... i think it looks pretty damn inviting dont you? check it out they even show you the ways you can sit in it if you go to the functionality link at the side of the page... its cool you can sit straight or reclined... basicly its like a lazy boy that closely emulates zero gravity... but its not ugly like most lazy boys are...

http://www.varierfurniture.com/product.asp?p=Gravity&la=EN&na=UK

why cant they sell this stuff at ikea...

2006-12-04T14:29:00.000-07:00

we just got in new catalogs for the spring @ work... be still my beating heart ha ha ha... i dont know how i can handle all this stuff its too much pretty for one girl to take in at a time...

2006-12-03T03:45:00.000-07:00

explosions in the night

2006-11-28T05:08:00.000-07:00

round three of the explosive stomach flu is over and i hurt everywhere... so much for thinking that my stomach was just mad about me drinking juice before bed... im really glad the frist thing i did when i got up feeling funny was instinctively grab a hair elastic otherwise this fiasco would have been way worse... im not going back to bed just yet becuase its seems that every hour on the hour i turn into old faithful only this round was more like how can i keep barfing if there is absolutely nothing left to give? i dont really know... but this sucks... and im cold and hot and i feel as thought i might be facing another round till the morning light comes to free me with some tea and a hotwater bottle on the couch... why why why?

its all lost in translation

2006-11-26T23:22:00.000-07:00

its funny, i have felt increadibly happy these days. i guess thats just life, but um its been good, i have felt like that feeling... the one that is like: this is my life, i own something good here! i've got no money and no plans, but i've got people and they are awsome. i got together with my friend for coffee on friday night as she anticipated her sister forcing one more little life into the light. i hope it went alright, its funny my friends sister who was having the baby deliverd my brother and his wife's child almost this time last year... yes she is a doctor. its a beautiful thing the whole birth process isnt it? no, im not saying this becuase i want to have a baby, i dont want to have a baby, not now at least! whats with girls my age seeing a kid and being all like ohhhhh i want to have a baby!!! i dont really get it. thats just me though, dont think im a cold heartless bitch or anything, i just dont get all maternal at the sight of someone elses kid... anyways... like i was saying at the start, i guess im just happy because i have good people in my life, and i tend to take them forgranted but on friday and then again today i realized how amazing they all are. i listend to willy neslon records alot this weekend... i kinda like that guy, he's got spunk. he really does. i just watched lost in translation, gosh i love that movie. its such a good story, it feels so cosy doesnt it? this idea that somehow in the lost city scapes people find each other and they connect and they love and they change and give and take away some sort of light, some sort of hope or something... i always feel like im somehow warmer and less alone when i see people connet, but last time i watched that movie, night after newyears in the roxy theater in victoria, and i was alone, i wasnt "alone" alone, i was with my freinds, cam and chanty, but it felt alone, in my heart. in my being i felt this great void i felt like if the whole world ended i wouldnt know if anyone really loved me, but it wasnt becuase no one loved me, it was because i didnt belive them when they told me they did, and the people i wanted to love me, well they didnt know i existed. but tonight as i watched it again i felt like i had the same people who loved me... but this time i wanted them to be the people who loved me and i loved them, becuase they were them. and it made it seem for a few seconds like the whole world was going to be as warm and comforting as my bed after a bath, as the voice on the end of the phone when i say goodnight, as the smiles that creep on to my lips when i think about all the beautiful people i know. i felt safe, despite the insanity that's swathed our globe. i felt safe and happy. it was good... it was perfect. its funny... i bought a movie still from lost in translation, on friday at a poster sale at my school :) in the end everything blurs together to make themes...

2006-11-23T02:17:00.000-07:00

I think you sleep under my stairs

2006-11-13T01:53:00.000-07:00

I think you sleep under my stairs

i moved down the walk,
brown and slush,
the noise came far
and quietly a ratteling cart,
turns in my ears through city noise,
crowded vibrations fall dead,
but this sound is alive,
it palpitates,
a tiny cart,
a meager moblie home,
and again rusty wheel turns and sings,
your blanket,
cans,
bags,
dirty hair,
stories,
keep them hidden,
we hate them,
makes us ill,
wouldn't help you,
rather look at my barista,
rather push you,
out!
out!
out!
out where you should be,
your frozen body in a landfill,
we will never see,
the noise came far and quietly.

viktor&rolf

2006-11-11T16:02:00.000-07:00

today i found out something that would make any fashion forward girl's heart skip a beat (well any who are ACTUALLY fashion forward)... Viktor and Rolf are taking their genious from the runways of paris to the store windows of H&M, now as if it wasnt enough that i missed out of ultimate legend Karl Lagerfeld doing a line for them or the ever blooming Stella McCartney HELLO we are currantly awaiting the grand opening of our very own H&M while i watch the dreams of owning anything viktor and rolf float from reality back to FANTASY!!! ohhh well... who knows what will happen... all i can say is im rooting for marc jacobs next season... fingers crossed baby... to see the imaculate colection that is as beautifully priced as it is crafted... click this :
http://www.hm.com/us/

and i am a pirate

2006-11-10T01:44:00.000-07:00

photo by tabitha penner... model ... clearly... me... ha ha ha

insubstantial, unrealistic underwear.

2006-11-07T23:26:00.000-07:00

this poem is not for the faint of heart or those who may be offended by poetry with sexual conent.

insubstantial, unrealistic, underwear
by Liam Ford

i'm so sick of those
ninteen-year-old-girls
you know the ones
who wear short skirts
and push-up bras
tattoo their lover backs
and shave their vaginas
who get shit-faced at bars
who grid with those guys
you know the ones
who walk around
with their collars popped
yet think the whole time
"my prince will come
becuase they watch
too many chick flicks
or were read too many
fairy tailes as a kid
and still think that marriage
always leads to
happily ever after

well, nineteen-year-old-girls,
one day your prince will come--
all over your pierced belly,
your bra-clad breasts
maybe even your face
if you let him

and maybe you'll enjoy it
if you let yourself
if you're not too afraid
of what your friends'll think

or what he'll think after he's done
becuase true love doesnt
ride a white stallion
true love is inside yourself
its behind your makeup and
your piercings and tattoos
underneath your push-up bra
your insubstantial, unrealistic underwear
its hairy and sweaty
and sticky and gross
it's two morbidly obese people
fucking each others brains out
on the hottest day of the year
in toronto, and its fucking
beautiful

2006-11-05T02:36:00.000-07:00

i wrote a long post but i just deleted it and now i am in the start of something new... like my hair, why do i change my hair? i change my hair because i cannot seem to change anything else ha ha ha... i am cold and it is late, i should sleep becuase i feel as though i am not going to make sence even if i want to... good night hope that when you see the world it is bathed in golden light, warmth that floods into your veins and brings you strength for life...

alberta how i loath you...

the post

2006-11-04T12:48:00.000-07:00

okay so i need to post because i feel like i havent in a while... so... here it is... a post. then end.

not really a poem poem

2006-10-31T23:49:00.000-07:00

sometimes in english i think about you,
mostly when we are taking about lovers in stories,
i cant help but be distraced and you know my attentions waver,
and sometimes when we read poems, all sentiment and verse,
i think that i should pen you something to put these thoughts to word,
but im no good at poetry,
i try i guess, sometimes i think more than words,
the images i conjure in my head, they are like poems in my mind,
like sometimes, sometimes i think about when you'll come to visit,
i think about the airport and i like airports they are full of hellos,
goodbyes, adventures and lives, and we are just two of those lives,
but we are bright and we are burning, and we are alive and we are yearning,
look i managed, i got in some ryme,
i guess maybe one day i might be good at poems at telling you so elloquently how i feel but for now i will stumble on the words
i will speak simply, i will, but when i open mouth to talk my words will be real,

2006-10-27T14:59:00.000-06:00

To the curiosity of most Edith Clifford made more money after hours than she did working at the carnival.

i welcome the destruction of earth with open arms

2006-10-26T00:15:00.000-06:00

as i drove down connors hill... the point in my daily commute when i seem to do my deep thinking... i was devinely overcome by the sence of beauty that will be the end of the world... i was like... i feel it would be something to see... i want to be there in som sence... there is the fear of what it would be to encounter it... to feel it, to die in it. but i think the end of all of this will be the most wonderful thing... the end of the citys, the cars, the lights burning for no one, the dirt covering everything, the garbage, everything that is ugly and unwanted, the holt renfrews, the bmw's, the louie vuton purses, the "pretty girls" in their pretty clothes, everything gone in a blink, and the dust left wondering how it became dust again. the ashes burning bright and red once im gone... floating through the air to my destiny. i want the world to wake up, but it wont, we are hypnotized by it all. the world has stolen our soles, our fires, our loves, are we all passionless? are we all just waiting to die? or am i really missing something? becuase i feel like a potato ... or a peice of bread, only getting worse every day the stench, the decay. i fight the disease amputate the things that are turning green, the things that are already dead and growing something new, something ugly. soon there will be nothing left just a withered heart coverd in green decay, too damaged to salvage, not by anyone, only by something, someone who can make me new, and i wait for the day he takes me out of here... im sick of it... i really am.

gleaming pretty things.

2006-10-19T13:09:00.000-06:00

im so glad that while the whole world is sedated by the latest news on lindzy lohan, the amarican government is passing yet another bill that leads us one step closer to the death of democracy. call it noble, call it fighting for freedom, but some where some one's loosing their rights so that americans can sleep a little better at night. Are we really so nullified and dazzled by the sparkleing tits of hollywood that we cant take the time to pay attention to something other than wondering if jesica simpsons left boob is perkier than her right one?

it makes me sick to think that we are as people are letting the idea of freedom slip through the cracks and become a technicality. Who wants freedom when it means that your ideas can cause you to be detained with out trial or explanation, weather your are an american citizen or not...? i sure dont.

If by freedom you ment that you have the choice of shopping at wal-mart or zellers, buying 2 ply or 1 ply... sketchers or nikes... well then thats what you've got folks. it saddens me to think that the first step to world peace always seems to start with dropping bombs on some one else's home. No matter weather the motives were right or wrong... this is all starting to sound a little more like a George Orwell novel every day. Bring out the new speak, lets re-write the text books, and ration the gin. Are we really such an easy lay? did george bush come in the night flip us over and say take it or did we ask for this? i dont know, but i feel like we've got fucked and im not sure how it happend.

yet, what can we do when 96 percent of the population could tell you more about last nights episode of prison break than they could about very world we live in? perhaps i should sedate myself with pop culture and join the masses. i will put on my j-lo track suit and march to my ruin mesmerized by the high gloss shine of janet jacksons new escalade.

2006-10-19T00:07:00.000-06:00

today was a good day. i feel like although i did not get alot done i lived the sorta day that i was ment to live... like... it was funny... i felt like some how i woke up and my life was what i had some how imagined it would be in some day dream about when i was older... im sure i had nicer clothes but im pretty sure it sorta just felt like it was right...

well i guess it started with going to a show last night, and then i woke up and i went to art history, and fed my mind. went over our in class essay for next week, and then walked to starbucks where i had some coffee did some reading, and some people watching, and then wrote a letter. i was really just killing time and skipping drawing class (which i feel bad for) but i was waiting for jody to call me back with their address becuase i lost it... and then she called me to tell me how to get to their new apartment and i left and went to their place. i drove through the dimly light evening streets of the down town and parked my car and ran across the glittering wet street, to their place. we sat around and laughed and talked waiting for the rest of the people who would shoot the party scene in nathan and jeffs movie, and they were all going to be late so we shot some of the other scenes before they got there... and i went out to do laundry for a while with jody, and then we came back and shot the party scene and drank coolers and pretty much just had a mini house party infront of a camera ha ha ha... it was funny... and depending on how it goes it might be shown at the edmonton film festival next year, and we are goign to have a screening of it for all of our friends and other people who want to know about it in the new year sometime... and i finished a painting that i did of a like floating forest... which was fun.

it was like... people i love and things i love all day and it made me genuinely happy... you know? im sure you do...

2006-10-16T14:24:00.000-06:00

with these things there's no telling we'll just have to wait and see... but i'd rather be working for a pay check than be waiting to win the lottery

2006-10-15T00:23:00.000-06:00

oh.. oh.. oh can i just say that football will never be interesting to me... yeah thats right... i will never like football... even during the greycup... even during the superbowl... im not a football girl... so there. then can i also just stated that girls who act all like OHHHH! OHH! what was that call?!?! Give me a break!!... you suck ref!!!... come on team and really dont do a genuinely convicing job of the acting game... are lame... thats right... they are lame... if you dont like football tell your boyfriend you dont like it and move on... he will get over it... he doesnt like painting his nails and talking about weather josh hartnet or jake gyllenhall is hotter... well at least we hope he doesnt... but who knows...

so this one such girl was doing just this today as i sat in the cold alberta wind and tryed to read my new issues of NYLON and The Newyorker, while wondering when this stupid game would be over and when she was going to SHUT UP!!! seriously i tried to get over it i tryed to block it out with happy thoughts... but it just wouldnt go... there was no use... why do girls who dont know how to yell or even bellow anything that sounds intimidating attpemt to use their high pitched mouse squeak of a squealing voice to curse out a ref... I DONT KNOW maybe some one could explain it to my huge migrane of a head acke that came half from the freezing wind that gave me a chill and half from her waspish, repulisive, and petulant shreeking...

If I had a soul to sell I'd buy some time to talk to my brain cells

2006-10-13T14:52:00.000-06:00

oh the joys of working downtown... today a guy came in and asked if he could take our boxes onthe back stairs of our building becuase he's moving... so i was like... yeah for sure... i will come out back to help you load them if you want... so we get out there and i walk over to the pile of compressed boxes and pick one up... to my shock and dismay i uncover a guy in a sleeping bag giving me the evil eye for waking him up... so i sorta just put the box down and said oh... sorry... and walked away... i went in and got the guy some of the boxes we had in the back room that i hadnt cut down yet... i was just sitting here at work thinking about it... thinking about my new shoes and c.d. and my warm coats ... even if my coat is from value village... and i was like... i act like i know what it is to struggle... and i feel like oh my life is soo bad... but is it really? i feel bad in another two weeks it will be alot colder than it is now... what happens to me? i put on a sweater and bump the infloor heating a few degrees so my feet arnt cold... but seriously... i've got it good... i've got it easy... and i fight to know that it doesnt make me a bad person unless im not doing anything for the people who dont have it easy... but still it makes me feel like a bit of a princess... it makes me wonder if we arent the royals loarding our sucess over the rest of the world...

it also makes me nervous for winter... becuase i work alone and if i thought the people who wandered into my store off the street were sketchy in the summer... whats going to happen when its 40 below... i guess i'll just have to have the hot chocolate on at all times :) everyone likes a good cup of coco.

second best was a safe enough bet

2006-10-08T23:13:00.000-06:00

sometimes you over hear things that arent ment for you... things that you didnt know, that your not supposed to know... that stop the world... i mean they really truely stop the world... today was one of those days... a friend of mine... a person whom i was fairly close to at one point, was talking to my brother and he told him that he is going to ask someone to be his bride... well normaly it should be something happy to stumble appon... but it wasnt... mostly becuase i dont really like his girlfriend, we are aquaintences, people who have known each other since highschool, and have been out together on many occasions but have never materialized as friends... i dont know why it bothers me but it does. actually i do know why... becuase i know my friend and as much as he trys to be the totaly scene cool guy he acutally ended up being he is just so much more smart and unique than he lets on. he really is just such a great guy and i feel like he is settling or being pushed into this step becuase thats the natural progression of life... that and everytime i have hung out with them in the last 6 months she has said something abotu getting married... or about how she's expecting a wedding ring... which is just way to forward for me... its just wierd. i guess i just look at it and i dont want to see some one that i love so much end up in some terrible relationship that he really cant get out of... well at least not that easily. i feel like we are getting old, and we are letting chances slip out of our hands, by opting for the "right" paths, the ones with houses and children and 25 year morgages. as we stand on the road staring our planned out lifes strait in the face, saying i do... i worry that we havent though things through... we got scared of the ever looming "DIEING ALONE" and said screw it im sure this wont suck all the time... yes i do think we are settling, getting scared of the future and gabbing the closest thing to a futre we can find. maybe im just some stupid commitment-aphobe but at least i think about things in the long term. i mean maybe he sees things in her that i dont see but i dont see the kind of girl who would understand why a guy who is stoked about snowboarding and movies like jack ass could also be stoked about european art, or about post-modern short stories... i guess that maybe becuase we were in a friendship not a relationship he could show me things becuase he wasnt as scared of my judgements as of her's... but the point is i have gotten to see the things that he wouldnt necisairly reveal to her becuase of what she would think... which is so sad, because relationships are about truth and openness and understanding and appriciating people for their unique and beautiful differneces... i just dont want my friend to be stuck in a life that no one should have to live. i wouldnt want to see anyone stuck in that kind of a life... a life with marrage yet a life with out love...

fafi world... i wish i lived there

2006-10-06T15:32:00.000-06:00

Oh my gosh... i want this to be what my room looks like... ha ha ha... do you ever wonder why we make everything look so normal? like whats wrong with having a totaly off the wall girly room or like... doing something that everyone would look at as totaly unconventional and silly... but maybe thats just my oppinion...
whats wrong with something a little DIFFERNT for a change... i say when i get a space of my own... its mine i can make it look however i want.... and if no one else likes it then it their problem ha ha ha... but seriously... i would love to live here.... even if it is an art gallery exhibit made into a bedroom ha ha ha

for more of the show: http://www.fafi.net/canvases/colette/COLETTE.html

2006-10-06T15:22:00.000-06:00

Person of the Day: Ludwig Mies Van Der Rohe

oh oh art deco

2006-10-03T00:17:00.000-06:00

we think we're so styling... yeah um this is the 1940's... whats differnt again? modern decor... HA!

the forest next to starbucks

2006-10-01T21:28:00.000-06:00

the mourning of the forest next to starbucks

haven of my daydreams,
giant lot of trees,
my secret garden in commercial grey
one vacant patch that had escaped.

I drove past you on my way home,
it was last Saturday,
as I drove by I smiled at you,
you swayed with your reply,

I drove past you,
you were still home,
later that same night,
then Sunday came and you were gone,
taken in the night.

now you'll be replaced by something else,
something concrete, something new.
your branches gave to corporate growth,
I wont forget, I take my oath,
your green will live here in my heart,
as this world turns to grey,
cherishing dreams that nature holds
each and every day.

2006-09-30T00:20:00.000-06:00

Volvo in G

I want my old seventy-four volvo
With cracked exhaust made a fault
I think I left myself in the trunk

Windows rolled down
Driving her around
And listening to Metallica
I think I left myself in the trunk

First car I've ever bought
I sure stared at it a lot
Then I sold it like an idiot
I think I left myself in the trunk
I think I left myself in the trunk

FISH MONEY!!

2006-09-22T23:51:00.000-06:00

Get addicted... play the game... do it... DO IT!!! DO IT NOW!!!!
ha ha ha... so sometimes work gets borring... thats why i play fish money... ha ha ha

Free PC Games

dear classroom boy

2006-09-19T23:13:00.000-06:00

Dear Classroom Boy,

You came dressed in you skinny jeans again. But this time you don a beige fitted blazer, and an old worn polo, one of those perfectly trendy ones you find in downtown vintage stores. The look… you nailed it. Its funny though I thought it was annoying when I met you last week, this week it just seems to be what you wear. Although your kicks let me in that it might still be something more… also a caramel beige-y type colour, high top Nikes with little mouths at the front of the toes by the soles.

I’m sitting one row above you; your sketching graffiti. Its actually really good. I move on though, you have nice wrists, they are defined but not to skinny., they just have nice lines. Its funny because you have really pudgy fingers which don’t suit your hands… but they aren’t ugly don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to give you a complex or anything.

I feel like I’m almost making you up . I feel like any other time I might be in love with you or something, but I’m not. Anyone else reading this might suspect me of making you up. But your sitting there in the flesh breathing the same air as me, reading the same books as me. Come to think of it now its puzzling really that I’m not half in love with you. I don’t know why I’m not, but you are quite intriguing and now that I’ve started I cant really stop. I think if you were a band you would be something like a mix of the arcade fire, we are scientist, and maybe even a little clap your hands say yeah. Or maybe you would be me without you , all dark and yelling with splashes of hope and feeling.

Now that I’m writing a second time, I feel a bit silly. Watching, peeking, sneaking glances, always looking, looking, looking. Always making conclusions, guesses, stories. Perhaps I am making you into my own living post modern novel. Voyeuristic to the traces of insights. Voyeuristic I suppose but nothing freaky. Don’t get me wrong there. When I make you an image you’re a puzzle that I’m putting together. I’m not dreaming about you. I’m certainly not thinking about you in the shower or imagining slipping down your body in soft yellow light or anything. I just want to walk into your head, and then slide down into your heart and snoop a bit like a neighbor opening cupboards and drawers looking at cups and boxes of cereal trying to find something that will tell me anything about you.

I went out to catch a breath and you were taking a cigarette, we talked. You told me your mother hoped you would have been an architect. Then you laughed and said “that would never fucking happen’’. Later in class we talked about our fears, you said that ever since you saw the movie psycho as a kid you’ve been scared to shower. And that sometimes you let your dog in the bathroom, your little guard and protector. I didn’t think you would be one to admit your weakness, but I saw it in you the first day hidden away I though, but now I see that there was no pretension.

artist of my moment: jeff mcmillan

2006-09-16T00:11:00.000-06:00

thanx to brendan for telling me about a new artist i really like :)
jeff mcmillan.

dont forget to sell your soul

2006-09-14T00:07:00.000-06:00

i found this little paragraph/poem of sorts in adbusters beside a picture of a power wheels escalade in a zellers or a walmart or whatever it is... starting to get to them younger and younger... next thing you know babys will pop out of the womb crying not for a mothers love and her warm life giving breasts, but for an ipod, and a cellphone...

here's the paragraph that i was telling you about though...

Bow down and worship all those sacred shrines of our "advanced" civilization. Our golden gods under golden arches rubbing elbows with out living legends on silver screens. Bow down and worship the strip mall overtaking the trees. Bow down and worship our prayer altar of disposables. Let us pile them higher and higher so that we might just reach the heavens with all that we have bought and discarded, all that we have wasted, all that we have destroyed. all our treasures we kneel before each day that fill our landfills and empty our souls.

classroom boy

2006-09-12T23:09:00.000-06:00

Dear classroom boy,

i like your funny remarks, and i think your skinny jeans and black band t-shirt make your attitude stand out just that much more. i was quite entertained by how you took a smoke break that was twenty minuts longer than the break the class was given. oh, and i really liked that despite the way you act like you dont give a crap about this class, you are really really serious and contribute really insitefully to the descussions, and the teacher likes you which is also funny... but who couldn't. just becuase she's a middle aged english professor doenst mean she doesnt have a sence of humor or suddenly cant gage when some one is charming. its really the fact that your a reble... but your not dumb... and in class... in class you really get it... i know that you do... becuase i get it too... but then again im good at english... im good at seeing things for what they are. the way your hair sweaps across your eyes all dark like coffee thats been on the burner all day, its good. you needed a little mystery, you wouldnt be able to pull off the rebel look with out it... becuase your eyes tell too much when you look at people, even when your not looking i can read them like the books and poems we talk about in class. you put your hoodie on now, with the hood up of course, but not strait over your head just to the middle... very emo of you. it casts a good shadow on your face it defines the line your cheeks not chisled but still slightly defined, there is a simple quality of your face and it really is quite attractive, with its gentle flushed cheaks. i try not to look over at you too often becuase when i do your looking over at me... it makes me blush... and i dont know if its becuase your stareing or if its becuase im stareing and you've noticed... im not looking at you anymore now... but i can see you in the corner of my eye... your looking at me... so i have to look.. you held my gaze a bit then smiled and looked at the clock as if it was your intention to act bored all along... really, its not that i want to know everything about you, i dont know if i even want to know you at all... mostly i like not knowing you becuase i can put my own thoughts to your face, becuase i can make up my own ideas when you look at things with that quizical smile, and becuase if i catch you looking over at me its cute... and i can think whatever i want to think about it at that moment, weather its true or a lie, i like to think that i know what you would say becuase i see your face and in the same way, you see mine...

2006-09-09T15:38:00.000-06:00

trivia trivia trivia!!!!!

for a 1000 points and my eternal love name this face: (not the baby... the man)

poem of the day

2006-09-09T13:27:00.000-06:00

Linda Pastan
Love Poem

I want to write you
a love poem as headlong
as our creek
after thaw
when we stand
on its dangerous
banks and watch it carry
with it every twig
every dry leaf and branch
in its path
every scruple
when we see it
so swollen
with runoff
that even as we watch
we must grab
each other
and step back
we must grab each
other or
get our shoes
soaked we must
grab each other

oh pam oh jim

2006-09-07T13:40:00.000-06:00

will jim and pam realize that they are ment for each other?!?!??!?!? ohhhhh please please please... SOON SOON SOON THE OFFICE starts up again!!!!

hiking trip to the max

2006-09-06T22:30:00.000-06:00

sooooo i went on a backpacking trip and i didnt really take anypictures... becuase i was backpacking the whole darn time... come on guys... you should know that!!! but these are some of the pictures i took... SOOOOOO here you go you little bassfishers... yess i only took this many pictures in 3 days... i was fighting for my breath to often to think about kodak moments...

the end...

SPORK!!!!! thats right i said it!

2006-08-30T19:38:00.000-06:00

this one goes out to brendan... i was getting stuff for going hiking and i came cross this little jem.... yes yes indeed it is a spork! even since your blog post about the spork... i have secretly wanted one ha ha ha... seriously im a dork i know...

2006-08-23T23:23:00.000-06:00

seriously... feel it... this makes me wish i finished up and actually went for my music major... whats wrong with me anyways?!?

its for everyone i assure you!

2006-08-23T20:34:00.000-06:00

thats the thing with words... with art... with things saying things right from your heart... once you feel it coming free you cant just let the silence be...

2006-08-17T01:32:00.000-06:00

2006-08-16T15:22:00.000-06:00

cold rain on my deserted road... grass bows to the clouds...
i watch them over take my world... i sit under their tears...
does the sky perceive my heart? does it feel my fears?
does it catch the troubled thoughs now seeping through my head?
or adressed to some divinity, still, upwards are they led?
are these clouds filled with our burdens drifting in the sky,
cuaght in a dark grey mass, now falling to the groud,
if i listen close enough do they wisper back their sound?
will i hear a childs voice, a mother, sister, friend?
or did they make it up to heaven, not with the rain decend?

no more starbucks???

2006-08-11T15:22:00.000-06:00

two more days... i only have two more days as an employie at starbucks... this is good and bad... bad because now how will i get free coffee and becuase i honistly love the people who come in every day to get "the regular" what ever that may be for them,,, i know i will honistly miss "the soy lady" and "grande americano boy" who talks music with me... and 1 pump mocha one pump white mocha non fat with whip mocha girl... just becuase she always has nice clothes and i like to say her drink becuase it makes me feel like a show off.... and all of the other people i got to see every day... they are like...this weird security blanket of people i am usto seeing... they are my coffee peole... and i realy dont like the fact that i wont see them every day... i honistly am sketched about what life will be like with out 400 small semi pointless converstations a day... i dont want to give it up... but due to all the new staff who suck and have basicly crap for brains and the fact that im going back to school and have a better paying job as is... i know that this will not work out... its just not a good idea... period... oh well... im pretty stuipd... im contemplating staying on staff just so i can work like ... 3 shifts a month... so i can still see people... ha ha ha,,, i know so lame right? right... oh well...

2006-08-07T02:29:00.000-06:00

something for the brain.

2006-08-06T01:09:00.000-06:00

XXIX

THE ROSE did caper on her cheek,
Her bodice rose and fell,
Her pretty speech, like drunken men,
Did stagger pitiful.

Her fingers fumbled at her work,
Her needle would not go;
What ailed so smart a little maid
It puzzled me to know,

Till opposite I spied a cheek
That bore another rose;
Just opposite, another speech
That like the drunkard goes;

A vest that, like the bodice, danced
To the immortal tune,
Till those two troubled little clocks
Ticked softly into one.

-Emily Dickinson

Chancy encounters...

2006-08-04T15:35:00.000-06:00

the best things in life are human encounters ... i love meeting people and like... connecting to people through random and unexpected ways and places... like... i think thats one of the most beautiful parts of life... knowing others... and not just like... being aquatences... but that rare time when you meet some one and its real... it doesnt happen often... its like... some of my best friends how we actually became friends... its so weird... so it was so chancy seeming to look back at... but... i guess thats part of the beauty... going through each day knowing that really... you just never know when your going to meet some one who will be a friend for life... this goes out to all those random chances i love so much... i cherish you all...

im such a sappy loser arnt i? but no... seriously... i love the chance of friendship we really have with everyone... if we are willing... and they are willing...

my new board!!

2006-08-03T21:08:00.000-06:00

OH MAN... the sweetest long board ever.... ever ever... and its alll mine... my new freind phil made it and i painted it... woo hooo hours of range road riding in the country!!!

1985 a look in history...

2006-08-03T15:01:00.001-06:00

today goes out to:

1985

1985 in history!!!

OKAY SO NOT THE BEST YEAR... AT ALL... but hey we got back to the future out of it... that was a good movie right?!?

january 1st: The first time a moblie phone call is made.(a for the most part terrible thing for man kind)
january 17th: Britan decides to phases out the lovable red payphone box.
january 21st: ronny reggan sworn into office for a second term.
February 19: Haylie Duff, American actress and singer is born
march 4th: the F.D.A. approves first blood test for aids.
march 11th: mohammed al fayed buys bristish department store harrods.
March 13th: Emile Hirsch, American actor is born
march 15th: the first .com domain name, symbolics.com, is registered by the Symbolics corporation.
march 17th: serial killer richard Ramirez (the "Night Stalker") commits his first two murders in Los Angeles, California.
April 15th: South Africa ends its ban on interracial marriages
April 23rd: Coca-Cola changed its formula and released New Coke. (The response was overwhelmingly negative, and the original forumla was back on the market in less than three months.)
June 10th: Claus von Bulow is acquitted on charges of trying to kill his wife.
June 14th: TWA Flight 847, carrying 153 passengers on a flight from Athens to Rome is hijacked by Hezbollah. One passenger, US Navy petty officer Robert Stethem, is killed.
June 23rd: Ar India Flight 182, a Boeing 747, blows up 31,000 feet (9,500 m) above the Atlantic Ocean, south of Ireland, killing all 329 aboard.
July 3rd: movie Back To The Future is released. it becomes the year's biggest box office hit, earning $218,000,000.
July 4th: 13-year-old Ruth Lawrence achieves a first in Mathematics at Oxford University, becoming the youngest British person ever to earn a first-class degree.
July 13th: Live Aid pop concerts in Philadelphia and London raise over £50 million for famine relief in Ethiopia.
July 20th: the main ship wreck site of the Spanish galleon Nuestra Señora de Atocha is found 40 miles off the coast of Key West, Florida by treasure hunters who begin to excavate $400 million in coins and silver.
August 6th: in heroshima, tens of thousands mark the 40th anniversary of the atomic bombing of the city.
august 27th: Vanessa Rachelle Toews is born. a great day for humanity.
August 31st Richard Ramirez arrested for the "Night Stalker" murders.
September 1st:A joint American-French expedition locates the wreck of the RMS Titanic.
September 19th: An 8.1 Richter scale earthquake strikes Mexico City. More than 9,000 people are killed, a further 30,000 injured, and 95,000 lose their homes.
November 8th: Jack Osbourne is born
November 18th: Rex Goudie, Canadian idol winner and Canadian singer is born
November 18th: The first Calvin and Hobbes comic strip, drawn by Bill Watterson, is printed in a handful of newspapers.
November 19th: Cold War: In Geneva, U.S. President Ronald Reagan and Soviet Union leader Mikhail Gorbachev meet for the first time.
November 20th: Microsoft Corporation releases the first version of Windows, Windows 1.0.
December 1st: The Ford Taurus is revealed to the public. It would become one of Ford's biggest successes ever.
December 21st: James Stewart Jr., American motorcycle racer born

Chanel No. 5

2006-08-01T13:47:00.000-06:00

only nicole kidman could make that comercial work... ha ha ha...

fuck love stories

2006-07-30T01:00:00.000-06:00

i officially have no will to get married... or go out with anyone ever again... hell im stoked to be that fucking ecentric cat lady... oh and romantic movies were created by men to feed women enough bull shit to make them believe that guys are nice meaningfull guys... that way your high on romance just long enough that said guys can get in the girls pants and get what they want... all under the pretense that they are really good guys who aren't out to just get some ass... hey... they bought you flowers right? oh... and yes i probably am a somewhat cynical bitch...